It was none of his business! If he hadn’t butted in, everything would be all right now. No, not all right. Perfect. She’s angry. She’s angry with him, but angrier with herself. She hates herself. His name can’t seem to come to her lips, but his face is the only thing she sees. His smile with the slightly crooked front tooth. His shocked face in the last days when she swept by him in the hallways.796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ46WO1kRoB1
796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSQLj6Is4Nq
He’s the first person she’s ever shown her world. She let him come over and led him to stand under the person-sized rectangle in the ceiling. She jumped up and grabbed the screen, so the panel opened downward and a jagged ladder descended to them. She’d always liked that panel. It was a secret room, her secret.796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUe22qEXAsC
796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuY6lQBIk7C
She had to go first, turn on the electricity and see his reaction. She was apprehensive. This project of hers had become such a part of her that any judgment on it was a judgment on her. It turned out she didn’t have to worry.796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj5xFPrDWOq
796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKEVidNc2xw
The lights turned on in minute buildings that she’d carefully made herself. Realistic stoplights flicked from green to amber to red in front of cars that never moved. Electric trains whirred on tracks, through the little town, over miniscule bridges, around plastic trees and Lego people. He stood there, awed, his body still, but his eyes flickering, taking in everything. Then he raised his eyes to hers and smiled.796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUIW42YueQx
796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY7lkEQOqLm
She never would have even done that much if she hadn’t seen him drawing a ninja in chemistry. He wrote neatly over the top “FUTURE JOB.” When she glanced back at his desk, the picture had vanished. In response to her quizzical look, he’d mouthed, “Ninjas don’t stay out in the open.”796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyK7nG6VZbS
796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPpq0mv40J5
And that was that.796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9ZKkKAh8bG
796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmDEbhRt5AX
Although they’d gone to the same school since kindergarten, they had never spoken before. They were completely different. Yet after his first time in her house, when he saw her attic, she was filled with him. His butterscotch hair, his eyes like the foggy San Francisco sky. And all he wanted was to be with her.796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC4z0dqKrPi
796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrLt8fmvUxO
He was the one who taught her to play the guitar, patiently showing her over and over until his fingers bled. Then he bandaged them and continued with the lesson until she got bored and moved onto something else. He was always doing things like that, just for her.796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5vtoV6OeeP
796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMtFUlRUmoy
She imagines she’s sitting in her attic, surrounded by her little world. In her mind’s eye she lifts a toy car and passes it between her palms. It was when she was in an airplane that she got the idea to make it – when she saw the sprawling city beneath her, aglow with the light of the setting sun. It’s comforting somehow to have a world that she can control. She’s the God of her own little world.796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRWDrTEEdgJ
796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0x0XLbPuRe
“Dancing Queen” was written for her, according to him, which has always been strange to her. She listened to artists like Radiohead, Avenged Sevenfold, the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, and Queen. But then she also started listening to artists like ABBA and Taylor Swift, just to hear what he heard and to try and see herself through his eyes.796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9xYZjlRy6g
796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUyHmM8r8a5
She was up for everything, afraid to try nothing. He doodled and read literature, inscribing notes into the margins. They complemented each other perfectly, but she wasn’t as wild as everyone saw her and he wasn’t as quiet, especially not when they were in each other’s arms. They could lie for hours just taking in each curve on each other’s faces and speck in each other’s eyes as their breathing synchronized perfectly, their chests rising and falling in rhythm.796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfDiR7Dq1CD
796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxIH0ZwDA7a
He forced her to read the classics. She’d always had a sort of romantic notion about reading, but she was too lazy to do it and she got so easily bored. But he acted out scenes for her, brought in his favorite film reproductions. Her read to her in a British accent, a Scottish one, French, Australian. Or he read in his own voice and still she was mesmerized.796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiUV321k28o
796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Qy6aD2sKA
If only he’d kept his nose out her business. She could have dealt. It was just two more years. She’d have been free.796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa51RBnpKKU
796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYnruQFuGcu
He was the one who had found her that day and driven her to the emergency room, face pale, eyes lit and frightened.796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwZ1BWx2TPc
796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwpKpUSLqjo
That had ruined everything.796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3jKTG0uloC
796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6cwkwLgjjA
How did it feel? Did you raise out your arms, begging to be carried away? Did you feel the wind sweep under your arms and lift you up? Did it hurt? Did the headlights blind you? Did you think of me?796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE5y7JSgSkD
796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC4ODNF3ztr
He’d met her dad once and only once. He had seen what everyone else saw. A mild-mannered single dad who was involved just enough in his daughter’s life.796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwAJPC63uaD
796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZm3JlNH26m
But then he’d seen the bruises on her back. She’d lied about them at first, the way she always had, but it didn’t take long for him to figure it out. When she was rammed into a table hard enough to break her ribs, his suspicions were confirmed.796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgD8JgmWq8Z
796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf2Ii4YQgEl
“You need to get away from your dad,” he told her, although she could see behind his eyes that he couldn’t reconcile the polite man he’d met with the purveyor of the bluish-purple splotching her back or stretching across her chest.796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG5rXuKrQp6
796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlTBC0k2QgV
Thrown into sharp relief in her mind is the expression when she had collided into him just two weeks ago. Disappointment. Disbelief. Despair. Two weeks ago he had been able to feel all those. Now he can’t feel anything at all.796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtBflu2bp4z
796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGDO9UeV1Ek
He was just trying to help. Was it really possible to love someone and still feel a vicious, vindictive pleasure when her classmates snubbed him? He had deserved it at the time. He should never have interfered.796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiY2SLoP7QA
796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnmPDtTs3OC
She didn’t need child protection services. She was sixteen, for god’s sake. She would be an adult in two years, go to college, and be free. She would have been able to put up with that bullshit until then. Her dad wanted her to go to Stanford. Every breath he breathed worked toward sending her to Stanford, but that was absolutely the last thing she wanted when she could see the lights of its football field out her window and hear the cheers. It was always more obvious when they were playing Berkeley, the air was more electrified.796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF9jvoZZB6N
796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJX17y0BugE
He used to come over sometimes, during the football games and they used to try to guess from the yells which team it was that had just scored.796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeS6pCgGx4Q
796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ10b9zOnFbn
She isn’t in her attic right now. She’s in a foreign room in her estranged aunt’s house, feeling out of place. She doesn’t belong here. It isn’t home. There’s no home anymore. And it’s all because of him. It’s his fault – not for calling child protection services, but for being gone.796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOcm1r3daao
796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0SzDe23wkH
She collapses backwards onto the bed, presses her palms against her eyes. She suddenly wonders if her dad smashed her world in the attic. The thought of that makes her finally begin to cry when she has been too numb to do so all this time.796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0qcCzwPAn8
796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡItD2bbxtFX
There’s a story she read once in the news about how a man flew home, to be welcomed back by his wife and daughter meeting him on the runway. He swept his daughter into his arms and into the air, only to have her head sliced off by the airplane’s propeller. The story has haunted her ever since she heard it. It comes into her mind sometimes and sits there, an unwelcome squatter. She could never imagine how anyone could live with that guilt. All he’d wanted to do was celebrate being reunited with his beloved daughter and had inadvertently killed her. How do you move on from something like that?796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4B4PzVpLvx
796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwT02mOXKZN
She was pulled out of class by child protective services, so everyone knew. It happened to be chemistry, so she yanked her backpack and shot him the angriest glare she could muster. She hadn’t spoken to him after that, not once. She hadn’t returned his calls, had pretended he was invisible when he came to her in person.796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhdkkBZItlb
796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQUaE86nZlR
She had warned him it would happen. He had promised not to tell anyone and she hated broken promises more than almost anything else in the world.796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEtZRtXnVln
796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVwgto313AI
Since she’d been pulled out of chemistry class in front of classmates, it wasn’t exactly a secret – everyone knew. Everyone also believed her adamant claims that he was wrong, everything was good at home. It was easier for them to ignore her injuries in favor the illusion of perfection. They hissed at him, tripped him, or booed him completely. At least in front of her they did.796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLrmexrrHLy
796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHQi0R8OnLo
She didn’t lift a finger to stop them, didn’t even look his way.796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ03pkW8K3YR
796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa04OznszOs
He stopped calling after a while and she found herself lonely. She had been irked that he dared to call after what he’d done. Now that he’d stopped, she found herself missing his voice, even in the form of firmly non-apologetic voicemails.796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7f3CA1us9a
796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWF1mqjkoDK
She didn’t know what bothered her more – that he had the nerve to confront something that many others had probably known about but had averted their eyes from, or that he had loved her enough to risk alienating her completely.796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpPZDShdDKY
796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1FnrsooVax
And then – and then the call. He had been hit by train, the conductor had called the paramedics, they were there, it was too late, he was pronounced dead at the scene, taken straight to the morgue instead of the emergency room. His blood alcohol level was precariously high, probably to dull the pain. Which indicated, of course, that he had committed suicide.796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHDydUOvWkw
796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyoPBA2SmpZ
Suicide, they said, but she knows she might as well have pushed him herself. When the numbness goes away, how can she live with herself? His mother says he didn’t seem suicidal, but his mother wasn’t with him at school. She should have seen it in those eyes instead of looking down and away.796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGJQm6ssl5V
796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgo1ircrnz7
It makes no sense to her anymore. Why was she so angry with him? It made sense at first, but then again, he’s the only thing that has ever made sense in her life.796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtBV0b1vB8X
796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmKH441ocI2
She is so fucking mad. She’s mad at herself for treating him like she did. She’s mad at him for thinking she’d never forgive him.796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9fA5R8G24L
796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzuRCoIMSzL
She stands up beside a bare desk beneath the window. Other than her textbooks, there’s one thing on it – a frame, tipped over so the picture can’t be seen. She lifts it up and lets her finger slide down the reproduction of a face that she will never see or touch or kiss again.796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ23roMoZQaX
796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfjqKU1NwLI
She was wrong all along. This whole time she’s been thinking she lost her home once she was sent to live with her aunt and uncle. The truth was, she truly lost her home the moment he jumped in front of that train.796Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡchZQyK7a3X
Penana
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