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Three Years Later…
Keegan
It’s been three years since Blue was taken away from me. Three agonizingly long years. But it’s almost over now.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrGstZXDkJI
It could have been a lot longer. Blue was originally sentenced to eight years in prison. Eight years. Just thinking about that now makes my stomach drop.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡePLGCokTkc
I cried out when the sentence was read in the courtroom. Like a fool, I screamed at the panel that convicted him. I screamed at the judge. I couldn’t control myself. The sentence seemed so unfair, so pointless.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJl8Ed5XUoC
Naturally, I was thrown out by the bailiff. So I didn’t even get to say goodbye to Blue before he was taken away.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2I4UBKxW1D
Devastated, I went home to my room at the ranch. I curled up into a ball on my bed and stayed that way for the next week.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwyQp2QCYRK
I didn’t bathe; I barely ate. I just wanted to sleep all the time, to dream that Blue was right next to me, tangled up with me.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbyS26PsUAY
I didn’t want to see or speak to anyone. I was mad at the Army, mad at the world, mad at God.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhfQPaxxG1C
Most of all, I was so goddamn angry at myself. If I hadn’t written everything down in my journal, none of this would’ve happened.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjdgXwGu6bm
I didn’t see any way to go on. Not without Blue. Not for eight years, without Blue.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiaaauN63X2
When I finally emerged from my self-pitying coccoon and started acting somewhat sane, Virginia gave me the letter from Blue.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqcFNVeJGIU
He’d intended for me to have it right away. But Holmlund was worried how it would affect me. So he gave the letter to my grandmother and asked her to give it to me when she thought the time was right.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjxh6qEbAVq
I was pissed that she held it for so long. More than pissed. I was fucking furious at both her and Holmlund. How dare they make that decision?187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsqXSvlJ7oY
I screamed at my grandmother. I told her she had no right to withhold the letter from me. I stormed out of the house and into the barn, saddled Okie and took off at a gallop with the letter still unopened in my jeans pocket.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhs583BmHYK
I didn’t read it until I reached the cabin. I went up to the loft, to the bed where I’d spent so many nights with Blue, ripped open the letter, and read it through, slowly, three times.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ5dv6VAo9f
Then I cried for what felt like forever.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJC6LurYJvq
But after that, I got angry at Blue. I mean, I understood what he was trying to do. He was thinking of me, of what he thought was best for me.
But did he really think I would just walk away and forget I ever knew him? Did he really think I could do that?187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8yvUT0e0bM
By the time I headed back toward the house, it was dusk. I took it slow, giving Okie his lead, moving at a gentle pace through the dark. I cried a little more, thinking about my romantic ride through the darkness with Blue several months ago. It seemed like another lifetime, when we did that.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1sUTzRNN07
But I also started thinking about something Holmlund told me earlier when he called to check on me and Virginia literally had to force the phone into my hand.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlavjis7jVx
“Keegan,” Holmlund said, “do you remember I told you the day the verdict was read that it wasn’t the end, that I still had some tricks up my sleeve?187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJE7IhkAHPW
I didn’t answer: I just stood there silently, sulking like a baby. But I was listening.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqulaUqO0XJ
Holmlund went on, telling me about the Army Clemency and Parole Board.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsOGigfEcoY
“After nine months, Blue can request clemency from the board. That means his sentence could be set aside completely or at least reduced, if we can convince the board that he deserves it.”187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSa95gz6ZxS
And that lit a little flame of hope inside me. Clemency. If anybody deserves clemency, it is Blue Daniels.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2nuqGgRUTT
First though, we had to get through the initial nine months.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxTxTdhK6Yr
It took two months before I was allowed to visit Blue at Fort Leavenworth in Kansas. That’s because at first, he wouldn’t sign the permission form to have me cleared to come to the prison.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjjOTiJGvDB
He wouldn’t even make the collect call to the ranch that he was allowed once a week. He called his mother, but not me.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡftNYwtXuJs
He was applying tough love, I guess. He wanted me to do what he’d asked me to do in the letter. He wanted me to walk away.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvV8gOsdUyC
But I was not going anywhere. And I was going to make Blue talk to me.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtu2dKdRCWX
So I drove to Tulsa, to his mom’s house. A sympathetic Maria had told me when he was supposed to call her, and when he did, she answered and then handed the phone to me, walking away to give us some privacy.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiCxWyDn6Gg
I just stood there for a minute, holding the phone, debating what to say.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX07AxoggMz
“Hello?” I heard Blue say. “Mama?”187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTVIhCHesDW
Then I exploded. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEHYW3nKJ40
Silence on the other end. And then, finally, his voice, weak and uncertain. “Keegan?”187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjmPTeGjkuC
“Answer my question!” I snapped. “What is wrong with you? What do you think you’re doing, cutting me out like this? Do you know what it’s doing to me, Blue? Do you?”187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSkmo5ed0eK
He didn’t answer, so I barreled on.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfPQwYTdrB5
“How dare you send me a letter like that and then just expect me to walk away. Like I could even do that. What the hell were you thinking, huh? And, then, then, you pull this crap of not letting me come see you, not calling me?”187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIlUHB9puVb
He was still not responding, and I was working myself into a frenzy.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh5gkjC3ao2
“You’re just a . . . a stubborn jackass! I’m not going anywhere, do you understand me? You are stuck with me. If I have to drive up to that prison and stand outside all day, every day, ‘til you sign that form, I’ll do it. You are not getting rid of me that easy. So don’t even think I’m walking away from you!”187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC58WF05een
Still, there was silence. I began to wonder if he’d hung up. But listening closer, I could hear his shallow breathing. The kind of breaths you take when you’re crying.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOw38jiKKJa
“For God’s sake, Blue, say something!”187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyMFnCtS8N5
There was another long pause. “Eight years is too long, Keegan,” he finally said, sighing, his voice small and miserable. “It’s just too long. I can’t let you wait around for me, don’t you get that? I can’t do it.”187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEHmzcLEADh
“You have no choice. Do you get that, Blue? You. Have. No. Choice.”187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxpYcYBs8jz
My body couldn’t decide at that moment whether to start screaming again or break down crying.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwTC4RBCFFr
“I’m waiting.” Now I'm half shouting and half crying. “And you are not shutting me out!"187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzn1yMokd9h
I let my words hang there a moment. Then I went on a tad more calmly.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRZyhKkdUyY
"Besides, it won’t be eight years. Don’t you remember the clemency board Holmlund talked about? We already have a plan on that. So don’t think you’re getting rid of me. I told you, I will come up to that prison and stand outside of it every fucking day until you let me in. And I mean it!”187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlSp1c1sqUM
He did eventually sign the form, and Maria and I started taking turns driving up to see Blue. And he started calling me at the ranch as often as he could.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0nIYv3e3Fq
It wasn’t nearly enough. But it was better than nothing.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7yvWirpyq5
And that’s where Blue's music started to help. It was out there, being consumed, being shared, moving hearts and minds. Frasier Bryson was doing everything in his power to tell Blue's story, to advocate for him.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdtHZJNBgM5
At the same time, Virginia was pulling political strings, calling in favors.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSHwwZVboNv
All of us—me, Holmlund, Virginia, Maria, Bryson —threw ourselves into the effort to get clemency for Blue.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡstfbvV1xTY
His conviction generated headlines around the world, and we did everything possible to keep his name and face and cause in the public eye for those nine long months before he could apply.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkvGHYqrLWP
And public opinion started to change. You could feel it.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsKjlt1Z8GN
I mean, there were still plenty of haters out there. I tried to avoid seeing the venom online. We still had to be careful with our own security.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8DVb7xKISH
But by the time Holmlund filed an appeal with the clemency board, public sympathy for Blue seemed at an all-time high.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpje5M7t09X
And when the board met, Cunny’s mom miraculously showed up to speak on Blue’s behalf, saying she believed clemency was what her son would want.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmEFb6DO6ps
Blue broke down and sobbed as she spoke. So did I.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmtHSMKuuQO
Even with all that, though, it took almost a year. The board dithered and delayed its decision. Holmlund said there must have been some strong opposition to granting Blue clemency.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡADI26zdKKt
But finally—finally—we got word he would be released just after his three-year incarceration date.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmCex0uQsnS
And now, I’m on the highway, almost to the Leavenworth exit. I’m going to pick him up, bring him home to the ranch.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0bpRyciQX5
Maria was kind enough to let me come by myself, to give us a little time alone together. She’s waiting at the ranch for him, along with Bryson.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa85TZqeclj
They’re a couple now. I guess when they met, they made an instant connection. Kind of like me and Blue.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg0XXBv020f
They were scared to tell Blue about it at first. They didn’t know how he’d react. But he’s been okay with it. In fact, I think he’s thrilled.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvY8JjCrLvU
“Who would have thought?” he laughed in our last phone call. “Bryson and my mom.”187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMbfLWx9INA
I’m beyond excited to get Blue out of prison. My body and my soul have ached for him every day, every second, that’s he been away. I’ve driven myself crazy thinking about what he’s gone through at Leavenworth.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLi83L3EdlN
I can’t wait for him to touch me, hold me, make love to me. I want him to be rough and tender and crazed with passion and wild with adoration, all at the same time.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc7PCJgGl2J
But I’m also nervous about our reunion. About how it will be between us. Three years is a long time, and inevitably, we’ve both changed.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbTYYF4FHk0
Blue’s sadder, more introspective. I can see it in his eyes when I visit, hear it in his words.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKDZ1L2SBey
He’s been a model prisoner, teaching music classes to inmates, writing more songs. He’s a better, stronger person now, I think.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLAM288jNwZ
I’ve changed, too. At least I hope I have. The last three years have helped me grow up.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtBGvF73t7y
I’ve spent a lot of my time with my grandmother, helping care for her. That nagging cough that’s dogged her was diagnosed as lung cancer not long after Blue’s conviction.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpKq5cVj8bQ
Just when it felt like we were getting closer, building the kind of relationship we should have had all along, I may be about to lose her.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4naA6w6FFQ
I don’t know how much longer she has. The doctors say probably not more than a year. But they don’t understand what a tough old bird Virginia Cooke is. She may surprise us all.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcX4N9aYiyN
She’s still prickly, still regularly gets under my skin. But I understand her a lot better now.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTy3KblehMn
I’m about to finish my degree at OU. I couldn’t bring myself to go back to Ikana, assuming they’d have let me come back. It just wouldn’t be the same.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqpYZA34mz6
And I’ve applied for law school. Not because my grandmother wanted it, but because, after what we’ve experienced, I’m a lot more interested in becoming a lawyer than I ever thought I’d be.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5y7pvxuj58
I might still go into journalism. But I like the idea of having a law degree as well.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ92QCZzdjjT
In a surprising turn of events, my brother is now a student at Ikana. Buick is apparently breaking hearts all over campus.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmHHqA7tsNK
But that’s another story.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt5s4VlwqtM
I see the Leavenworth sign up ahead and turn on my signal.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS8xNPRbxic
“I’m almost there, Blue,” I say. “I’m almost there.”187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtjQNzEiyxv
~~~
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Interested in Keegan’s sexy brother Buick? He's got a searing story of his own that will start soon here on Penana! Be sure to follow me so you don't miss You Belong to Me. 😊
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