
下班回家,淋浴。477Please respect copyright.PENANA4siCZYI2Wc
477Please respect copyright.PENANAyNhcqjQewX
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣,目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。477Please respect copyright.PENANAzFTOHRlMyR
477Please respect copyright.PENANAx4xB4NDwkr
今天,同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉,我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語,我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意!477Please respect copyright.PENANA2rZO8RpINQ
477Please respect copyright.PENANAIPTk0Wx2Lq
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊,我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊,也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。477Please respect copyright.PENANAGext3WYjA2
477Please respect copyright.PENANApx2eubUGzO
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片,不由得傻笑起來:「要沾甜酸醬……」477Please respect copyright.PENANA0UKxVja6pY
477Please respect copyright.PENANAKZcXnIhWCe
沐浴後,我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後,阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住,替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美,會夾餸菜給她,但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味,但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。477Please respect copyright.PENANA07tVSXDCxi
477Please respect copyright.PENANA5VrHRz7D2I
若問我為何可以如此大方,可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊,照顧我的兒子,耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我?因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢,現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人,現實是我沒有介意的本錢。477Please respect copyright.PENANAOXh2UJtoyp
477Please respect copyright.PENANAHM89aA5FAf
飯後,俊仔做功課,阿美洗碗,我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸,我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色,方長的臉,矮肥的身材——像我爸,又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬,然後想起阿美。人如其名,阿美的確長得美。她像媽,五官精緻,皮細肉嫩,玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人,我也會選擇阿美……477Please respect copyright.PENANAzwR4EImoys
477Please respect copyright.PENANAMA4jIkfjD7
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰?恨阿美太漂亮,恨前夫好色,抑或恨自己像亞古獸?477Please respect copyright.PENANA04i6Hy9NYT
477Please respect copyright.PENANA0GkYsVn0CB
我笑了:我真的很像亞古獸。477Please respect copyright.PENANAYYxPSncFTR
477Please respect copyright.PENANAZlfY8sfgp5
啪——啪——477Please respect copyright.PENANACBXq4mCfQ4
477Please respect copyright.PENANAq1lNIS4aIV
「媽咪!我肚痛,要大便!」477Please respect copyright.PENANA1zqpGBie4X
477Please respect copyright.PENANA6HfVc9lO7p
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁,沖水。我離開浴室,看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青,一股勁兒衝入浴室去。477Please respect copyright.PENANAFNa25b2ASJ
477Please respect copyright.PENANAgiTozH9YXy
「媽咪!菸味很臭啊!」俊仔隔門抱怨。477Please respect copyright.PENANAf4qjE24LHh
477Please respect copyright.PENANAWyTTjRXRRL
「你的大便也很臭呢!我老遠也嗅得到!」阿美代我反嘲。477Please respect copyright.PENANAxoiiA2olCP
477Please respect copyright.PENANACEyxhEmksL
我望望阿美,苦笑,笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑,但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法,或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。477Please respect copyright.PENANA0eZ0GUboNH
477Please respect copyright.PENANARMyPSDIDdZ
算了吧。沒所謂。477Please respect copyright.PENANA6I1ZiVbUFm
477Please respect copyright.PENANA1w3bSQTAeF
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的,然後回到睡房去。477Please respect copyright.PENANANgLDQwsqSv
477Please respect copyright.PENANAOBWX3QI7Uz
該要睡,想要睡,卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭,大便很臭……477Please respect copyright.PENANAyTVtwuqTBK
477Please respect copyright.PENANA1DghmlNbRC
我傻傻笑了:很無聊,怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西?477Please respect copyright.PENANAY5kWiY0ZIn
477Please respect copyright.PENANABZTJZ8XI18
不夠累嗎?我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。477Please respect copyright.PENANAlIX7BYZd3W
477Please respect copyright.PENANAZSu1VsYqLQ
我更衣換褲,套上波鞋,打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。477Please respect copyright.PENANAx2EgDBjqRf
477Please respect copyright.PENANAfJrb7CwKc3
「姐,買菸嗎?」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間,她正在為俊仔檢查功課。477Please respect copyright.PENANA3Hfv38nZp7
477Please respect copyright.PENANAPNXfwzGSMO
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。477Please respect copyright.PENANAwvB6fhQcQf
477Please respect copyright.PENANAVsNpDm4kul
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天,需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑,似乎察覺到我的不對勁。477Please respect copyright.PENANApAF4a69NRu
477Please respect copyright.PENANAk4Yro3ZQeJ
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。477Please respect copyright.PENANAbmKgT49iNt
477Please respect copyright.PENANAz5RWo5Yfko
「姐,我……」也許是基於內疚,阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務,包括夜半買菸。477Please respect copyright.PENANAOKY7PVG9bR
477Please respect copyright.PENANA3pHgpLHeEV
「我說——不!」我加重語氣,拉長字音,滿腔怒火不言而喻。477Please respect copyright.PENANAhEZz35EZB1
477Please respect copyright.PENANAyp6qJiUI2F
阿美呆了,霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣,探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意,彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……477Please respect copyright.PENANADs3b1aGCkM
477Please respect copyright.PENANAz1NDVAN8Cv
我頭也不回開門離家。477Please respect copyright.PENANAEiI9ivHPFj
477Please respect copyright.PENANAjHV4wkw0Mn
夏夜,海風濕重,翳侷悶人。岸有燈火,海浪微盪,從多個度折射著黃光白光,閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面,卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空,越放空越見混亂。477Please respect copyright.PENANAL7x5tvPlc5
477Please respect copyright.PENANAKwKNH26GWX
我憑欄抽菸,抽得很兇,不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。477Please respect copyright.PENANA44H3ftdswd
477Please respect copyright.PENANAiqG5KwfBpD
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……477Please respect copyright.PENANAcYIvLTSVfA
477Please respect copyright.PENANAeY2XdfBrbu
最後一根菸殆盡,指隙間突然空虛無限。477Please respect copyright.PENANAv8qnkWrX9k
477Please respect copyright.PENANAGrj2V9BdBS
我不捨就此回家,奈何忘記帶銀包,無法買菸。477Please respect copyright.PENANAvELP6KME6H
477Please respect copyright.PENANAjRaDWtRaw4
「要菸?」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷,不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大,也算不上細小,但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。477Please respect copyright.PENANASEDVJ2FNRM
477Please respect copyright.PENANAyD1zGukrDN
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇,我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時,他又識趣地主動為我點菸。477Please respect copyright.PENANAmkVZcMrXGW
477Please respect copyright.PENANAmOrD6Fg9Xc
「怎麼了?突然那麼體貼?」477Please respect copyright.PENANAcKtRqJahZs
477Please respect copyright.PENANAWi5wAXs6XV
「你不開心?」477Please respect copyright.PENANAd16ldlBiMH
477Please respect copyright.PENANAIqucIiHQIN
「是的。但與你無關。」477Please respect copyright.PENANAZIegR45ciH
477Please respect copyright.PENANARDirTr8nYZ
面對帶刺的話,前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸,默默待我享用完整根香菸。477Please respect copyright.PENANAezE32LAIFb
477Please respect copyright.PENANAwryb25Hw3t
「還有菸嗎?」477Please respect copyright.PENANAIla7X2NllM
477Please respect copyright.PENANAEnGScXqihI
「有。」477Please respect copyright.PENANAEeWAJSrlhY
477Please respect copyright.PENANAwN9KeoVZo8
前夫再次遞菸、點菸,但他沒有繼續保持沉默。477Please respect copyright.PENANAchxwYVfgwK
477Please respect copyright.PENANAVDMVjC6bWg
「俊仔還好嗎?」477Please respect copyright.PENANAhaal03q7VN
477Please respect copyright.PENANApBFgFMLQdO
「與你無關。」477Please respect copyright.PENANAPzSnwa0KKT
477Please respect copyright.PENANAjo00eNdjM1
「即使我跟你離婚了,我依然是俊仔的爸。」477Please respect copyright.PENANAUkImWYdvFs
477Please respect copyright.PENANAi8ABYlNYtg
我幽幽一笑。477Please respect copyright.PENANAcZ4OHOCMP6
477Please respect copyright.PENANAXR7xk1SQ8b
「俊仔的爸啊!俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團,但我騰不出費用。」477Please respect copyright.PENANA4ucRpx0ttX
477Please respect copyright.PENANAeqPyS2Ea9R
「多少?我付!」477Please respect copyright.PENANABmssCjYeZu
477Please respect copyright.PENANAhuT0mVg27P
「五萬七千五百元。」477Please respect copyright.PENANAv89kr0cPPh
477Please respect copyright.PENANAbuxUSwojAq
「好!沒問題!小意思!」477Please respect copyright.PENANACN15ZP6ATN
477Please respect copyright.PENANAvUQKWmT4vM
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處,我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來,再也止不住。477Please respect copyright.PENANAkYatfGW691
477Please respect copyright.PENANA8IgNcBDyqS
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」477Please respect copyright.PENANAhvooN3YDqU
477Please respect copyright.PENANAtf1lOoOcMH
「別傻、別傻!我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」477Please respect copyright.PENANAWKvkYQ2VU7
477Please respect copyright.PENANArapUFyJUhL
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」477Please respect copyright.PENANA5ZXm1OOtFT
477Please respect copyright.PENANAmlw7rv4D2k
「阿顧,對不起。」477Please respect copyright.PENANAEcLgJYk0Oy
477Please respect copyright.PENANAN5w4O1rfwc
「道歉有屁用!」477Please respect copyright.PENANAsD7KuOwhh8
477Please respect copyright.PENANAPVCD5QetrM
「既然你認為道歉無用,那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩,也請找我幫忙,我會盡力幫助你。」477Please respect copyright.PENANA1nc4WT41qK
477Please respect copyright.PENANAdJEOoXhOsK
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去,但我相信他:我清楚他的脾性,他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不,該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。477Please respect copyright.PENANAq9Ua2TKKwh
477Please respect copyright.PENANAeqH3ocQ2Z9
如果我不是急需用錢,我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉;如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔,我早已將阿美趕出家門;如果我不是知道為人母親之責任,我多麼想就此棄下俊仔,展開更自由自在的新生活!477Please respect copyright.PENANA9EI3tJFijp
477Please respect copyright.PENANAzYFYWez16F
可惜,世界從沒如果,只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔,我就要必須對他負責——為了他,我不得不向現實低頭。477Please respect copyright.PENANAUzdJqteVGv
477Please respect copyright.PENANAoQUR4aZjlh
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願,卻沒奈何。477Please respect copyright.PENANAIOv2XovJY5
477Please respect copyright.PENANAoyDzSfqFTe
「好!等我好消息!」前夫笑得很燦爛,似是找到贖罪的方法,以後不需背負罵名。477Please respect copyright.PENANAFYqLhMMYlO
477Please respect copyright.PENANA4Rgb9mtPik
我跟前夫揮手道別,然後慢步回家。477Please respect copyright.PENANAhdV9KY5qNR
477Please respect copyright.PENANA855Hxv6uz6
嗯……怎麼形容呢?平靜如水,所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過,因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西,甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的,散亂零落的。477Please respect copyright.PENANA1MSgiOJYGc
477Please respect copyright.PENANAX7unPiZ3Cq
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了,亦不需解釋,反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習,也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團,自己亦不需向前夫求助……477Please respect copyright.PENANAJqwwGq7GwK
477Please respect copyright.PENANAfYQ4FZf3OZ
我淪落至此,自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……477Please respect copyright.PENANAVls79Qp8j1
477Please respect copyright.PENANA9y8CnjUGqF
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇,也就是活該,也就沒甚麼好抱怨……477Please respect copyright.PENANAq2dx2ffvOX
477Please respect copyright.PENANA30hdymXTgi
我活該……我活該……我活該……477Please respect copyright.PENANAU3Ty4oqGtU
477Please respect copyright.PENANAe3xbdP7bpK
我如此催眠自己。477Please respect copyright.PENANAG4CrrQ0z9n
註:另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。如有違規,煩請創挑主通知,願刪文。
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