Pandemonium - Wie Ben Ik

was 10 in the morning, the day seemed gloomy as it was continuously raining for a week tho this was a boon for those staying in their strong houses but a curse for the poor, you could see many slums in Brussels were destroyed you could see the whole Crupet frustrated due to the rains but there was one dilapidated hut in the corner which seemed nonchalant of the uncomfortable situation

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In that hut lived a young man, broke yet aware of the world quite good with the newly introduced industries and business, he was witty and helpful the only problem he had was he is broke, all you could hear from that hut was sounds of hissing and shaky breaths etc.

Derek pov,

"Aaah..aah ouch it hurts". " it hurts so badly, but at least I could do it, finally I'm successful hah.." I am finally successful to reach towards death I am slowly going out-breath and I could feel my strength going down but still I wanted to write for the first time I felt expressing my emotions, for the first time in my 25 years I felt like opening-up

with whatever strength I had both mentally and physically I started to find my journal, water splashing everywhere and stinging my newly cut legs and tear-stained cheeks and I started writing...

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What am I

Oh, how suffocating do I feel by being trapped inside this soulless body?

How pathetic is this to see other people being happy in their bodies whereas look at me

How lonely and how embarrassing is it to even stay here.

How frustrating is it to see it, hear it, feel it, yet stay quiet about it?

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Sometimes I become numb about it and ignore it

I treat it like some curse

This eats me up

knowing that this is not a curse yet treating it as a curse irks me

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Yes I hate being you

I hate being you

I hate staying here

Please

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Please, someone, help me

please, someone, explain to me

Oh please please, please

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Take me out

I can't bear this pain any longer

This pain is now becoming deadly

It's suffocating me

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I am helpless

I am losing my senses

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What am I

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Seeing you getting hurt just worsens my pain

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So just forget it

Why did I have to be the one

blessed with this curse

Why me

Wasn't my already existing trauma and poverty not enough for you?

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Oh lord

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Why me

Why did I have to stand out in this crowd

Why did I have to be different like those freaks

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Why is my way of loving people different

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I know this is not a curse yet everyone treats it as a curse

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I can't tolerate this pain anymore

I am supposed to feel good while getting rid of the curse

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Yet all I feel is this excruciating pain and numbness

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I feel disgusted every day but I think lord himself hates me which is why I am still alive

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I fail to understand what did I do wrong

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Is it wrong to love someone

who is just like me

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How wrong is it

How difficult is it to even accept it

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Why can't you sympathize with me for once

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nd help me get out of the pain

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Isn't love the same

Isn't love about loving someone and expressing it freely

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Then why am I restricted

What is my issue

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I also love someone

I also want to be with him

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Is loving him a crime

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Is confessing to him a sin

Is expressing my love towards him a crime

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Oh how heinous a crime did I commit that I have to bear this pain

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My sole existence seems like a curse to everyone

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I fail to understand my fault, I think it must be something embarrassing

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Therefore you don't tell me about it

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f you ever find about it then tell me

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Cause I can't bear it

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I have given up now

Convey my regards to him

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Let him know that he is beautiful, he is strong and most importantly not a coward like me and I've always loved him and always will

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I am not afraid of showing my love to him not anymore I still yearn for him, I still want to hug him

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I love him... I love you Robert I love you

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But I am leaving him as

I am a curse and even he hates me hah... Robert

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I cannot find the answer to this question

I am confused

Please tell me

Explain me

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What am I

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With this, I finished my letter

I don't have any energy left now and with that

I jumped inside the river

but this time I didn't struggle

I let the water take me away...

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I know that I am a coward

I am weak

I have given up now

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nd now you shall not see this disgrace

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I am now completely dead with no hope left

and if you see me

I'll be floating somewhere far with a wry grin on my face...

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And with that, I come to a conclusion

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I don't know who I am and what my fault is...

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***** ***** ******

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Although this poem is not good or doesn't address the issue I want to dedicate this to those who lost their lives, identities due our society's homophobia...

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People treating homosexuality as a disease is a sin itself, and due to this many cultures think that they can treat it through unfair means, and can cure it, which is just ridiculous. The idea of love is gendered now because being het is normal but being a fag is not a? What is love then? loving the opposite sex is that what love is?

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Please stop treating it as a curse

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Wie Ben Ik

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