Lies
"I'm sorry, Blaire. I really tried my best. Nagpatulong na rin ako kina Yaya. Pero wala talaga."
Frustrated ang mga mata ni Ate Faye, mukhang nag-effort talaga siya para mahanap ang blueprint. I was about to invite her for lunch, buti na lang, naabutan ko siya sa k'warto ni Levi. We were in the hospital's canteen. Maingay. Palibhasa, lunch hour.
Ngumuso ako, quite disappointed. "Si Tita Martha kaya? Baka alam niya?"
She nodded. "I already asked her. Pero mahigpit na bilin niya raw na 'wag magtatapon ng gamit unless may permiso niya. So far, wala namang mahahalagang papers na natapon."
"How about Engr. Alcazar?"
Natahimik siya. It was too late when I realized na hindi ko dapat binanggit ang pangalan. Bahagyang nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Lumunok ako at hinalo ang palabok.
"I'm sorry..." I cleared my throat. "I just thought na baka nasa kan'ya ang isang copy."
She smiled, napasimsim sa orange juice. "Wala na 'kong contact sa kan'ya. But for sure, your friend can help you. Minsan ng naging allies ang mga Burton at Alcazar. She can ask her boss, baka may contact pa sila kay Engineer."
That's what I did. Break time naman ni Chelzie kaya 'di ako nahirapang tawagan siya. 'Yun nga lang, busy raw ang boss niya. Nasa meeting. I had no choice but to wait hanggang sa may makuhang information. But if she were me, hindi na raw siya magtatangka. Nakakahiya raw. Naiintindihan ko naman. Ang isang tulad ni Engr. Alcazar, hindi dapat inaabala para sa maliit na project. Pero hindi naman basta-basta project lang 'to. Hindi lang 'to basta bahay. It was someone else's dream.
That afternoon, Levi's friends arrived. Kasama nila si Naiah, pero wala si Thaliya. I was wondering kung bumibisita ba siya habang wala ako. I wouldn't be surprised. At kung gano'n nga, wala akong karapatang pagbawalan siya. She was a good friend to Levi, after all.
Pero dahil hindi ko nga ramdam ang vibes ng mga tao sa k'warto, ako ang nag-adjust. I chose to stay away from them. Hindi na ako pumasok. Maybe I'll just wait for them to leave. For the mean time, I went to the most secluded part of the hospital— sa garden kung saan ako dinala ni Jehoram.
My pacing went slower as I noticed na may ibang taong nakaupo sa bench. Marami namang seats na p'wedeng i-occupy, but I found that particular bench special. Siguro kasi... nostalgic? Dahil sa eksaktong upuan na 'yan, diyan ko sinimulang buksan ang puso ko para sa Taong nasa itaas.
The wind blew wild, agad sumabog ang buhok ko. It was indeed a blustery day. Madilim ang langit at mukhang uulan pa. The leaves flurried through the air and scattered to the ground. Maingay ang mga 'yon nang tapakan ko, nakatunog tuloy ang babaeng nakaupo sa bench.
The moment she turned her head on me, my blood ran cold.
Mukhang pati siya, nagpanic. Agad siyang napatayo, nanginginig ang mga kamay habang sinasara ang zipper ng shoulder bag. She can't even look at me. If I could see horror from her eyes, it was as if she could see me as a terrifying ghost from her past. And I just couldn't understand. The familiarity of her eyes and her way of reacting to my presence were something really apprehensive.
"Mrs. Alonzo..."
Mabilis niya 'kong nilampasan, mas lalo atang nagpanic nang banggitin ko ang pangalan niya. May nakita pa 'kong nahulog mula sa gamit niya. Isang papel— parisukat at makapal. Mabilis na tinangay ng hangin ang nalaglag na gamit. Saktong bumuhos ang makakapal na patak ng ulan. In haste, pinulot ko ang papel at mabilis na tinago sa shoulder bag. I covered my head with my arms at tumakbo pabalik sa building.
Ilang Linggo na rin ang nakalipas matapos ang food tasting-test ng mga Alonzo. The Ravelo's organizers were hell busy para sa debut ni Viana. Hindi naman talaga ako involved doon. That was why never in my dreams I've ever thought na makikita kong muli si Mrs. Alonzo. Pinilit ko nang kalimutan ang mga mata niya. Wala kasing ibang dulot sa 'kin ang mga 'yon kung 'di takot. And I hated how anxious I was becoming. Kaya kahit may pagdududa, pinili kong magbulag-bulagan.
The stars in the skies of the warmer clime were shrouded by the murky clouds, making the night somber and monotonous. Nasa balkonahe ako ng sariling k'warto, nagbibilang ng mga bit'win na abot-tanaw. Hindi pa lampas sa lima ang mga 'yon. Masyadong makapal ang nakakumot na mga ulap. The opaqueness of the heaven's vault was mimicking my heart's distorted feelings. Fogged. Clouded. Blurred.
Bigla kong naalala si Levi. He hated the dark hours. Ayaw niya kasi sa dilim. Para sa kaniya, darkness symbolizes evil. Parang ang kulay ng langit sa paglubog ng araw. And I couldn't agree more. The gravity of the pervading mood at night was heavy. Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit. Para bang... nakaka-attract ng negativity ang dilim. Tuwing gabi, kayang-kaya akong lamunin ng takot. Kayang-kaya akong talunin ng mga nakakalason na ideya. My mind was entangled the most during night. And it was frustrating. Ang toxic.
"I think you need this."
Napalingon ako sa pinagmulan ng boses. Si Bailey. He was carrying a guitar that I haven't seen for so long. Lumabas siya sa balcony at lumapit sa 'kin, biglang nilahad sa harap ko ang gitara.
"It's been a while since the last time I heard you play. Na-mimiss ko na boses mo." He smiled.
I was left with no choice but to accept the guitar. Sa akin 'tong gitara. Gamit ko na 'to mula pa noong high school. Hindi naman talaga 'ko batikan na singer. I can sing. May magandang timbre rin ang boses. Pero hindi ako nahasa sa pagkanta. Mas gusto kong tumugtog. Nawala nga lang ang interest sa music nang nakahiligan ko ang pagsusulat. Si Bailey tuloy ang nakinabang sa mga lumang instrument ko.
Naglakad si Bailey patungo sa barandilya, tinungkod ang mga kamay at tumunghay sa kalangitan.
"Mukhang uulan na naman."
I placed the guitar above my lap, pinadulas ang palad sa katawan nito. Sabi ni Bailey, ilang beses na raw niya pinalitan ang string nitong gitara. Palagi kasi siyang nakakaputol. Napangiti ako nang may maalala. Madalas kaming magjamming dati. Tumatambay pa kami sa k'warto ni Manang Beth. Dito kasi nakatira 'yung bunsong anak niya dati. Pitong taon na babae. Umuwi nga lang ng probinsya para doon mag-aral. Bilang lang sa daliri ang mga pagkakataon na nakapag-bonding kami. Lalo naman na kung kasama si Kuya. Mas gusto kasi no'n na mag-isa. Si Bailey rin naman. 'Yun nga lang, mas naging malapit talaga siya sa 'kin kaysa kay Kuya.
I held the guitar and positioned my fingers to the right places. I will forever be a fan of Ed Sheeran's songs, pero sa puntong 'yon, liriko ng ibang kanta ang naramdaman ng puso ko.
I strummed the guitar and closed my eyes as the soothing sound played.
"For all the times I felt cheated, I complained. 403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRl4DOLYXZo
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You know how I love to complain."
I smiled inside when my heart relaxed with the familiar warmth. How I missed this.
"For all the wrongs I repeated, though I was to blame.403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh7io0lTqre
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I still cursed that rain.403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1ZsJhCHqlJ
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I didn't have a prayer, didn't have a clue.403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIkFZWug7BD
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Then out of the blue."
I was wrong when I thought that my heart was already at leisure. Because in between the lines, I suddenly remembered him. His eyes, his smiles, and the moment he was giving me comforts.
"God gave me you to show me what's real403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOftl85NBag
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There's more to life with just how I feel403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMbxj9TreGJ
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And all that I'm worth is right before my eyes403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwdwBwEtNtU
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And all that I live for though I didn't know why403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOjdcgQHPv2
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Now I do, 'cause God gave me you."
Before, I was already happy and contented with the kind of life I had. Abundant, I could say. Buo ang pamilya ko kahit palaging busy. May adorable na bestfriend kahit maingay. Nabibili ko lahat ng gusto ko at higit sa lahat, I had a loving fiancee.
Tahimik ang buhay ko. Magkaibigan pa ang puso at isip ko.
Then out of nowhere, a stranger came. Isang estranghero na may dalang leche flan.
A stranger who made me realize that life won't just revolve around the things you were used to. It was full of surprises. Maraming ups and downs. It was a rollercoaster ride, indeed.
Dumating siya. At naniniwala ako, sugo siya ng Panginoon sa buhay ko. God gave me— or more like, spare me— him para ilapit ako sa Kaniya. Para kalabitin ako at sabihing, "Uy, 'di ka nag-iisa."
"For all the times I wore my self pity like a favorite shirt403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs7fSzZbexF
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All wrapped up in that hurt403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLM1X84wCwk
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For every glass I saw, I saw half empty403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu54EtL7FLi
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Now it overflows like a river through my soul403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzrjZfSMONL
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From every doubt I had, I'm finally free403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7iHFG2kL9K
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And I truly believe."
I, again, looked up to the starless night sky, hinayaan ang sarili na malunod sa malalim na karagatan ng madidilim na ulap.
"God gave me you to show me what's real.403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2yVWKTwGC5
403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW8CmxqG5wE
There's more to life than just how I feel.403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSq6m1AxHwv
403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgCLEZF0YNA
And all that I'm worth is right before my eyes.403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi731TDpo73
403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqBR9ALNJ2x
And all that I live for though I didn't know why.403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAb5JX9NF1O
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Now I knew,"
Hindi ko masabi kung anong koneksyon mayro'n kami sa isa't isa. Were we friends? Hindi ko alam. Hindi niya nga tinaggap ang alok ko no'n sa St. Joseph. Basta, ako lang ang nagsabi na magkaibigan kami. Pero kung ano pa man, I was thankful. Nagpapasalamat ako dahil dumating siya. Kahit pa... hindi ko gusto kung paanong nagkakabuhol-buhol ang isip ko dahil sa kaniya.
Maybe there were really that kind of person. Mga tao na... parehong biyaya at delubyo. He was a beautiful catastrophe. An awful tranquility. Like a heavy rain that could be both disastrous and comforting.
Tulad ng isang bagyo.
A typhoon who happened to enter my area of responsibility pero himbes na bumagsak sa 'kin nang tuluyan, he chose to drift away. Lumihis siya sa ibang direksyon. At ako naman, tila isang bansa na napagtantong ang naramdamang pag-ulan ay dulot lang ng hanging habagat... at hindi ng bagyo.
And I should be thankful, right?
"Cause God gave me you..."
As I felt my heart clenched, tinapos ko na ang kanta. Lumunok ako at nagbaba ng tingin.
Mata ni Bailey ang sumalubong sa 'kin. He was leaning his back on the railings, nakakatitig sa 'kin at ang mga mata niya... mapupungay. Like he was generally out of sorts.
"I went to the hospital..." Napatuwid ako ng upo. "You want me to visit him, right?"
Sandali akong natulala sa kan'ya, pilit binabasa kung anong naglalaro sa isip niya. His face was glummed. And it was pretty unwonted. His eyes were usually stony, hindi nagpapakita ng emosyon. Pero ngayon... bakas na bakas ang matinding kalungkutan.
Marahan akong tumayo, nilapag ang gitara sa upuan. Humakbang ako palapit sa kaniya at humarap sa barandilya, taliwas sa posisyon niya. I smiled, maging 'yon ay tipid.
"You're one of the closest person to him." Nilingon ko siya. He inclined his head down, pinaglalaruan ang mga daliri. "Remember when he bought you a chess board kasi 'yung pinahiram mo, hindi na nagbalik? You were so upset. Kaya gumawa siya ng paraan."
Natawa ako. Naaasar kasi si Levi kapag nakakakita ng nakasimangot. The negative vibe was too contagious, aniya. Kung sisimangot ka lang daw, ikulong mo na lang ang sarili mo. Sira talaga.
"Tapos no'ng bata ka pa. Kuya was born impatient. Ayaw ka niyang turuan sa Math. And I'm not really fond of numbers. Ang Kuya Levi mo—"
"Ate." He cut me off. Nilingon niya 'ko, at sana, hindi na lang.
His eyes were bloodshot. Mapupungay at namumula. Like there was inside him na hindi niya masabi. At kaunti na lang, sasabog na siya.
"I'm sorry..."
His eyes sparkled. Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba 'yon sa repleksyon ng mga ilaw, o dahil sa... nagbabadyang luha.
"Maiintindihan ko kung magagalit ka sa 'kin. Hindi ako magtatanim ng sama ng loob k-kung," his voice cracked, he swallowed. "Kung 'di mo na 'ko ituturing na kapatid." I wrinkled my forehead. "I will accept all the consequences, pati ang galit mo."
"Ano bang sinasabi mo?" I asked, perplexed.
Umiling siya, hinarap ako nang buo. Napakurap pa 'ko nang hawakan niya ang magkabilang balikat ko at hinarap sa kaniya.
"But please... keep in mind. I did everything to protect you. Believe it or not. Sinubukan ko lang na protektahan ka."
My lips parted as I saw a drop of tear fell from his eye. Mabilis niyang pinalis 'yon. Lumunok siya nang ilang beses. Halos hindi naman ako makakurap, nakipagtitigan lang sa mamasa-masa niyang mga mata.
I wanted to ask. I badly wanted to make everything clear. Pakiramdam ko, sasabog ang utak ko. Masyadong nang maraming tanong na nabubuo sa isip ko. Ayoko nang madagdagan pa. Gusto kong kahit isa man lang... magkaro'n ng linaw.
Pero ayaw gumalaw ng bibig ko. Parang... nagbuhol ang dila ko. Hindi ako makapagsalita. I was just staring at his eyes, pinapanood ang pagtutubig ng mga 'yon.
I wanted to know what was really happening. I was so sick of all the innuendoes. Pero... may parte sa 'kin na gustong isabay na lang ang mga 'yon sa kumpas ng hangin. Dahil palagay ko, kung anumang sasabihin niya, hindi matatanggap ng pandinig ko.
At natatakot ako. Natatakot ako sa kung anong p'wede niyang sabihin. Sa kung anong p'wede kong malaman.
Maybe I was really that kind of person.
I'd rather live in the sanctuary of sweet lies than lay in the bed of painful truths.
"I know there's always a right time for everything. And once it came, please... gusto kong maging masaya ka. Gusto kong piliin mo ang sarili mo. And your heart... I want you to choose your heart."
I was fully awake throughout the whole night. Paikot-ikot ako sa kama, hindi pinapatulog ng sariling isip. I already tried listening to Spotify, nagbasa ng In Love and Trouble ni Alice Walker, nanood ng kung anu-ano sa YouTube, pero wala pa ring nangyari. It will just distract me for a moment, pero patuloy pa rin akong hinahabol ng mga bagay na gumugulo sa isip ko. And it sucked. It forever sucked.
"Ang nalabi sa Israel ay hindi gagawa ng kasamaan, ni magsasalita man ng mga kabulaanan; ni masusumpungan man ang isang magdarayang dila sa kanilang bibig; sapagka't sila'y magsisikain at magsisihiga, at walang takot sa kanila," pagbasa ni Father Roland, kinabukasan nang magpasya akong magsimba.
It left me wondering... was there any man who was free from lies and secrets?
Posible kaya 'yon?
Tingin ko, hindi. Imposible 'yon. Kadikit na ng buhay ang kasinungalingan at sikreto. The life itself was full of secrets. At kung 'di ka man nagsisinungaling sa iba, madalas, ikaw mismo ang nagsisinungaling sa sarili mo. Because there were really somethings we couldn't accept. Kaya himbes na mabuhay sa mga bagay na ayaw natin, we tend to make ourselves believe the other way round.
"Uy!" Nakasalubong ko si Evan, ilang minuto matapos 'kong makipagtitigan sa Altar. "Blaire, ikaw pala 'yan."
Napalingon ako sa dalawang tao sa likuran niya. Did life really play that way? Noon naman, hindi ko sila nakikita. Pero simula no'ng nakita ko silang magkasama sa Sagada, lantaran na silang nasusumpungan ng mga mata ko.
Himbes na pagtuunan ng pansin si Jehoram at ang babaeng kaakbay niya, nginitian ko na lang si Evan.
"Kumusta?"
"Busy!" He laughed. "Bukas na kasi ang alis namin papuntang Batangas 'e. We'll stay there for one day, maraming kailangang ayusin bago umalis. Ikaw? Pauwi ka na? Lunch ka muna! Sabay ka na sa 'min."
Mabilis akong umiling. "Hindi na. Pupunta pa 'kong St. Joseph 'e."
"St. Joseph? Bakit? Sinong nasa ospital?" Biglang lumungkot ang mukha niya. "Sana naman okay lang siya."
"Salamat. Sana nga..."
Napabaling ulit ako sa dalawang tao sa likod. They were looking at me, too. Nang magtama ang mga mata namin ni Jehoram, tumango lang siya sa 'kin.
I guess, we're good?
"Ayaw mo po talagang maglunch muna?" tanong ulit ni Evan.
Natawa ako sa kakulitan niya. That was very out of his character. Soft spoken kasi siya, hindi rin sharp kumilos, sobrang gentle. I've known him as a quiet-type of a man, 'di bagay ang mangulit. Sasagot na sana 'ko, kaso iba ang nagsalita para sa 'kin.
"Hindi mo ba siya narinig?" Nakangisi na ngayon si Jehoram, pumantay sa kaibigan at inakbayan ito. "Dadalawin niya ang fiancee niya."
"Fiancee?" Evan's eyes widened. "Ikakasal ka na?" I chuckled and nodded. Nagmamadaling gumilid siya. "Hindi ko alam! I'm sorry, pasensiya ka na, ha? You seemed busy! Sige na, baka kailangan ka na ng fiancee mo. Ingat ka!" Pinatabi pa niya sina Jehoram para padaanin ako.
I just laughed at the gesture. Tama nga si Rianne, 'yung dating clubmate ko na nakasalubong ko sa Taguig. Kaunti lang ang nakakaalam na kami ni Levi. Mga nakakakilala lang sa 'min, lalo na sa 'kin. Hindi naman kasi talaga ako sikat. Siguro, ang nakakaalam lang ng existence ko ay ang mga tao sa corporate world. Last name ko lang naman kasi ang matunog. Kung may nare-recognize man silang Altaluna, si Kuya at Daddy lang. Samantalang si Levi? He was quite popular. Lalo na nang ma-link kay Thaliya na anak ng presidente. All thanks to Madame Eliza.
Nagpaalam na 'ko kina Evan— actually, sa kaniya lang talaga. Pero hindi pa 'ko nakakalayo, narinig ko na naman ang boses niya.
"Blaire!"
I breathed, muling tumalikod para harapin sila. Lumapit sa 'kin si Evan, nakabuntot naman ang dalawa sa likod niya.
"Wait lang. Kung 'di ka busy... okay lang ba na imbitahan ka namin sa Batangas?"
Umangat ang kilay ko, hindi alam kung matatawa sa imbitasyon niya. "Ano namang gagawin ko ro'n?"
He shrugged. "You look sad. And sa Batangas, you might have fun. May maliit na event kasi na gagawin para sa mga bata. Stress reliever, baka makatulong sa 'yo."
"Evan," Jehoram warned, halatang gustong umapila.
Umiling si Evan sa kaibigan, determinado talagang isama ako. Nang balingan niya 'ko, ngumiti siya nang malapad.
"Tsaka pupunta rin pala bukas 'yung bunsong anak ng mga Tianco. Si Miss Thaliya?"
Parang hinulugan ng granada ang dibdib ko. My lips parted. Pupunta si Thaliya?
Of course, she was the donor!
I was blowing hot and cold, hindi malaman kung dapat bang tanggapin ang invitation ni Evan. Gusto kong pumunta dahil unang-una, pupunta rin si Thaliya. Pero sa kabilang banda, ayaw ko ring pumunta, dahil nga na'ndoon siya!
Matagal nang sumagi sa isip ko na kausapin siya. I just wanted to clarify things. Gusto kong matapos na ang isyu ko sa kanila ni Levi. Don't get me wrong, may tiwala ako sa fiancee ko. Pero sa mga plano ni Madame Eliza? Wala. Gusto kong malaman kung ano ba talagang gusto ni Thaliya. Did she has feelings for Levi? Kasi kung wala, bakit niya hinahayaan si Madame? Bakit hindi niya linawin sa mga tao na walang namamagitan sa kanila!
I never had the chance to talk to her. Una, hindi pa ako ready. Pangalawa, mukhang mahihirapan akong manghingi ng oras sa kaniya. I wanted to do it sa paraan na hindi ako magmumukhang nanlilimos ng oras. Hindi lang naman siya basta-bastang tao. She. Was. The fucking daughter. Of the president.
"Ano po? Gusto niyo?"
Alanganin akong ngumiti kay Evan. "Nakakahiya naman. Baka... hindi welcome ang outsider do'n? Baka magalit si Father Roland."
He softly laughed. "Hindi naman! Bakit siya magagalit? Matutuwa pa nga 'yon. Isa pa, 'di ka na rin naman iba sa 'min. Kaibigan ka kaya namin ni Jehoram. Hindi ka outsider!" I wasn't satisfied. Hindi naman kasi talaga 'yon ang concern ko. He sighed, napansin ata na nangangamba pa rin ako. "Kung bothered ka pa rin, isipin mo na lang, 'di ka nag-iisa. Pupunta rin 'yung kapatid ni Daisy, si Christine? 'Di ba?" Bumaling siya sa babaeng kasama ni Jehoram.
She was obviously alarmed. Napapitlag siya nang mabaling sa kaniya ang atensyon. She looked timid. Namula pa ang pisngi at tumango.
Sandali siyang sumulyap sa 'kin, tipid na ngumiti. "You'll be fine."
Oh! Siya pala si Daisy? 'Yung kinu-k'wento ni Annie? Bestfriend ni Jehoram? Well, good for them! Kaya naman pala mukhang matibay ang relasyon nila. They started out as bestfriends. May matibay na foundation. Parang kami ni Levi. And they share common interest as well, huh? Parehong nagseserbisyo sa simbahan. God-fearing couple. No wonder na magtatagal nga sila— no, sila na talaga! Eternal, isn't it?
Pinagmasdan ko si Daisy. She was absolutely pretty. Olive ang kulay ng balat, bagay sa mga mata niyang upturned. Payat din ang pangangatawan, hindi nalalayo ang height namin. Mahinhin siya kumilos. Pati ang pananalita, hindi makabasag pinggan. That explained why Jehoram seemed deeply in love with her. She was raised with proper breeding.
"What now? Payag ka na?" Lalong lumawak ang ngisi ni Evan.
I smiled, buo na ang desisyon.
"Sure."
A ball of lightning seemed to fall on Jehoram. He was shocked, halatang 'di ini-expect ang sagot ko. Daisy inclined her head down— like I just broke her tower of hope into fragments.
I blew out a gust of air upon seeing their reaction.
I'll just pray that tomorrow will be a nice day for me. And maybe, I should pray, too, that a miracle will happen and destiny's sympathy will be on my side this time.
***
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John 8:32 |403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbczETixz0E
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The truth will set you free.
