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下班回家，淋浴。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUYdAY8fsmk
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd8M0wrGYVQ
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ57cZLT4Mb8
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfDlOiN7HSo
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8E8uW9fO94
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuTDfaFs0Di
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBosm4k7lJg
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpVCUsFnRDM
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxTPgU4w5r9
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXxOvNrvoTV
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWXKyzFD5BX
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Q3EI4lBpW
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLIVLiYRajl
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeIQa7ERvkL
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyQ6DZsWzCQ
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4pZvtV5suO
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrJkEOozphE
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ001vH4hcG
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡriQUWaUcih
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcya8dLHJj4
啪——啪——273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3M8oPa1WQg
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBrtI3U6FgY
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7uvEgPdBFE
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8pPb8inBXM
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡob9x7i1s8n
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSyOfKZw7Xp
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡShptYJ23hw
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmdXxSpSvwF
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKZFT2HYYY9
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqPmC3mMDjQ
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTnAlAAO7nl
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7mkigU7ugu
算了吧。沒所謂。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa0q9c6A25C
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2GKkw9c0jN
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaOpcYCkfk8
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgpG7zImvA5
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3k2P5qtOEN
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡADXbgj6nE0
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡICM58VSYLe
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeCl1wQWDtB
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTyaDKwz4HE
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnzgbw96keK
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYu66jPSYOY
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdFcSAQ1d3R
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4NSMgiqS4N
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT0mA6t6UNI
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7ibvV9jcLU
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKZR522UdgP
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡidthL15tjU
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxSQKdtQF92
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡei9Hs2KTna
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxEWdWUdSXq
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5Sj7dOY4td
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb5VUFTJvFo
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhvjU51uPCe
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkLu1AkyUPa
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHo9WK8HVL7
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdjj53U8fLe
我頭也不回開門離家。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1GGwfEv17l
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdsaUVSFR3i
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMw10EzCVR4
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0dDVx5S9oa
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFn26qOXiin
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG31dthimBy
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYh7FdHDsdW
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7HK2dtRBMk
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAgaV73tPUy
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjU3ZktHiry
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMB2esO0B0U
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ26uXEO0qiO
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwxy3GPNUOj
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfgfjdNYWv2
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbc26PiCO3s
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg7CB2Q6uUl
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIhxtrVrfUz
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJxr54BJU0z
「你不開心？」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpiizuvhJxF
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6O7iZFJ00k
「是的。但與你無關。」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwBJjq1o1UR
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcylpe90IOq
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ18IiMWgK9D
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiaoUF3GQVq
「還有菸嗎？」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2XiwMrVDOW
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeIahnRu5sX
「有。」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn3JilX0Rpq
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYJMdBEAcLF
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtuV3vFbvtg
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5ydF47hDZw
「俊仔還好嗎？」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUkjdkPzQZH
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQdTJtFF3lt
「與你無關。」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0mwuRRZvqR
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ184RTC0jSw
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwphaJMzSFA
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBsLu0aJt6i
我幽幽一笑。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0RfTl9fzJD
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLQaHTZlHwt
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwTyOc8qCfW
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡihsDBqz7hJ
「多少？我付！」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHXV4C2wEyj
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPv7hKWatgh
「五萬七千五百元。」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZKqAl3hMox
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXOziWu3ujL
「好！沒問題！小意思！」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKnuNgUaH24
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTsiy4lBrNJ
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbLU9rX8Ugu
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFelWzI2oKU
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYg3ad4mc1v
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2ktA2HtxEg
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNiFoiXmSpL
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPbWWnPcSSO
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9d0ZXGhk6r
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdZR7DsxmQN
「阿顧，對不起。」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSKv6mz2ZwH
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyHU6AgwVt6
「道歉有屁用！」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv7jWrStnwK
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRzKTN8t8Gt
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcDS9GNMYeN
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvYaZNYX389
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR9FDnpvLZh
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDSXjcCqeXF
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgGbKfBqgGd
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcaneBv8dUS
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1EXNcSXKci
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYKTyPVcoAC
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxDGywWg0mE
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV6vH4gycsd
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiXtqhriOQm
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRmZR4NGuoU
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZnl7mO2l0c
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9p036Wwgb7
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFBVwft01KB
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnhP14P0ALN
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZRrZY8SYe8
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAS1DSLnBxW
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTOauoul5pL
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeODhBkePIv
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4lZZS2AUIg
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlsteEdPEcR
我活該……我活該……我活該……273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPK3fwDl51N
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiOB6jzvAMT
我如此催眠自己。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm7kvpuiRe3
註：此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文配合。
ns216.73.216.25da2
