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第二章 —— 粉碎心靈而行
EP 1
知性逆襲
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是否忘記了初衷403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiLBS1yhDKV
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有一件事，她從來不理解，照其個性，那怕重來也不明白，為什麼、如何、怎樣地，質疑事實，儘管已經繞之而轉一輩子了，每一角落、真相的碎片亦熟知403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi9hW78b5M8
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還沒有學會「接受」403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0eG2SFZOe8
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接受現實403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTRfOtXUVdx
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因為認為是屈服403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu7bjbT9QG8
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感覺好像自己在投降403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFN9XwP5zQ1
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放棄一切403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHCKLI6lkSj
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追求完美至上，而不允許錯403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfMmnTdgmnn
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如其之出生，尤像生活，所聽、知，授教的403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsRbkKmL2Yb
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認為是這樣子的狂妄403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfBvFU4MLeT
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無他403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgaEXaMA3FE
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說是愚痴也不過份403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6tlnu96ZjD
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只是她不相信403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP28ZDAtJy3
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懷疑403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeIFKfdj8nA
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她⋯⋯403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyMW7nRa4Rv
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「⋯⋯」403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXNWHrImgbJ
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由一開始，女孩的這種個性就已經總結了此下場，這並不為因果關係，純粹因這個下場的發生堪於必然，而是狀況的現象化，星星的模樣，是因為太遙遠才是唯美而存，近看，以生命來燃燒的想法，無比嚇人403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJv3fJ5Aqgl
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單單是想像也有夠不安403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6IazYJTNbj
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儘管此刻的自己也如看鏡面一樣，對此狀況不只是目擊證人，近是案內者，經歷者403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoRlF3pejft
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但若論為什麼會對其驚訝403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkpM1K8Rlz6
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唯一句403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnGgs8pDfV9
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當局者迷，旁觀者清403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa7C8IUOqj4
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當初，我也不曾察覺其他的事情，只為信仰而活的自己，追求理想的結局，拋棄所有的我403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaJCSrrL9dc
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根本不在意自己的身體點燃上星似熊烈403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtR6XJ8WkZ8
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想法，是會傳染、變異、影響、控制403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCxwjYoK0Wg
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且不死，無法殺死403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjY4x1wHB6c
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人家已經很盡力了403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgnNdpyVFbu
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我一直嘗試在抵抗這份感情403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxQdmZxt9Qa
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憤怒403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRw3qxDsac6
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一直以來無論多麼努力亦不能有什麼結果403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNXzL35u7og
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因為我沒有用403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0KTOR7wPG3
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因為我的能力不足
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—— 咯 ——
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輕輕地扭開門把，金屬的把條縮回門鎖之中，角度的漸大，門的打開，男人就在該處站著403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzhBFUwYkQg
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「是的，陳熒羽⋯對嗎？」403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTueDfarTI5
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「嗯⋯嗯⋯⋯打擾了」403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnzDwyMpSVp
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進入到久違的房間，和記憶同模印的擺設佈局，主色調為米色，副色白403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx9dmTGehN3
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—— 咔 ——
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關上門，房間消音的性質方真正開始，完全隔絕外在，此處的所有聲音仍會遭吞蝕，留在這裏，只有這裏，才將自己從這個世界中抽離403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk9ZEbiwpXV
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沒有吵鬧聲
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餘下的，是自己腦內的聲音403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI9GVRkcrJS
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與其說是喜歡，說是比較、偏好才對，始終腦內的聲音，一直停不下來403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCArBb9mueC
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討厭
討厭
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「唔⋯⋯對不起⋯上次臨急改期⋯」
「不，沒關係」
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男人走向沙發，攤開掌心，以手勢示意
「來，請坐」
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對他點頭道謝後，我往位置坐下來
「那麼⋯最近睡得還可以嗎？」
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「唔⋯嗯⋯還可以⋯⋯」403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEtoFb40dYS
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深呼吸，讓血管稍微收壓、放鬆，使心跳稍為緩下403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdu938l0Odv
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舔了舔下唇，我才繼續
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「⋯最近⋯夜驚的情況⋯有改善到」
「但還是有嗎？」
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「嗯⋯」
胸口的壓力感在說完話後消退，弄得自己好像成就了什麼大事般
「⋯這樣喔⋯沒關係，不用勉強，放鬆就可以了」
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「嗯」403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq8q3wfuk9n
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⋯⋯
那對眼睛
⋯
不要一直看過來⋯⋯
不要⋯不要——
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已經無法呼吸了多久？403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE7C53mHk3l
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太久了，不過至從學懂存在，便已經失去了呼吸的權利，「自由」一字的概念遙遠得不但不能觸及，甚至連想像的機會也沒有，提心吊膽地呼吸，屏住心跳，一輩子活在的地方 —— 恐懼而不和平的暗影之中403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7kc0YEn9t6
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已經失眠了多久？403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqj61p13NIv
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失眠不是問題，而是衍生出來的結果，閉上眼睛仍然無法逃離，知道張開眼睛所面對的未來，毫不期待，害怕未來，受到過去而滿身傷痕，無論如何也得不到明天，好想好想那裏也不去，不前進不回去，待在原處，寧願原地踏步，寧願當個別人口中的笨蛋，討厭改變，卻403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbq8oZtvlrX
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卻⋯卻⋯⋯403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzlwEtJ0a3V
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一點不想繼續這樣承受下去，而終究還是困在如此循環中，沒有所謂「時間」的存在，昨天即是今天，明天也去不了那去，等候自己的未來，只是幻覺403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2EsD3YZpQF
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還是說，世事可以和大家口中一樣嗎？
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由開始，已經不像任何人的前提，是可以怎叫自己活得正常，我不能、不會、不懂，現在不會，將來也是，儘管我是對這強烈不滿403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzE9hK4ksem
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但我有選擇嗎？面對種種，難道有其他方法嗎？
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每天晚上也這樣想著，徹夜未眠，哭過無數次，甚至麻木，到淚水不自覺流在臉上，同樣的床，同樣的夜空，左右被冷意包圍，呆呆無意墮入腦內403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp8sIQaxAlq
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好想，一覺不醒
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即使每一次的夢也不完美，我知道自己的夢有多麼壓迫，難受苦人又使人瘋狂，但好歹是夢，醒來之後便能脫離，不似得這個現實，所在所有的破生活，根本忘不了，尤其這份痛苦，以夜以日頻頻萌生新的根，扎在過迫的心靈中403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrKFqBzKZBc
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恨不得粉碎了之，那怕會死
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死一死也蠻好嘛
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結束就好了
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—— 別開玩笑了
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人家也希望能夠快樂403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ5CZyW1Se8
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可是從來沒有，是完全沒有一個這樣的機會403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5PfoW7p2nZ
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也希望被愛
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也希望被認同
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⋯⋯403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeyvKN0XiNA
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我不知足？
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這世界一開始也沒有給到我們些什麼，「足夠」也是自己所定義的不是嗎？沒錯吧？！403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQPVYG7UFjz
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——呀？
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嗯？403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1U1UtD5tKl
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又是這樣
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難得我想表達自己，鼓起勇氣，想成為別人所希望的模樣，總是在自己嘗試前攔下自己，阻擋自己到前方去，但明明是同一班人叫人家去相信，要怎樣怎樣努力，結果又只是說說而已403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgkSbKnJZzZ
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我是笨了一點，呆了一點，像個白痴，直接當成傻仔也不過份，然而⋯⋯然而⋯我⋯403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCbH7FA8bhg
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我也想活下去
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但一而再，再而三，真正阻止我從現況中掙扎出來的，是同一人，給予假希望，當自己不足為提，尤如走狗又好，簡直為玩具，喜歡便拿來玩，不喜歡便拿出來踐踏好一番，然後沒了興趣時，就隨手一丟，棄之不理
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莫名其妙，但真的好痛，我嘗試將心比己，下場居然是遭隨意玩弄然後棄之，我躲起來哭時又在安慰我，這是什麼？
這是什麼？
我寧願自己一人好了
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一直以來，我的人生，完全是自力更生，因為沒有那個誰，能真正幫助到我403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUN9TZesXSa
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或是說，我不希望⋯403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO6MvieHEzk
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⋯⋯403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWAvdsws7I8
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對不起403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh0qj2dm1q3
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我也希望自己⋯403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeUNbaA9R6F
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不過⋯⋯
「⋯那麼好了⋯今天就先這樣吧」
「剛剛斷藥一星期，狀況已經是有很大改善了」
「所以你真的不用那麼勉強自己」
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「唔⋯⋯」
「既然完成了⋯那麼⋯」
男人深呼氣，站起，走近自己
「我們還有些時間」
「嗯⋯」
緊張，我吞口水下騷燥的喉嚨
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男人他站在自己後面，就在沙發椅子後面，伸手按下椅旁的按鈕，讓椅背調低，另一手則是在輕輕地撥弄自己的額髮，角度之下，我能直視之俯視的顏容403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9b5TmTiWNv
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角度最大，椅背的最低，躺在沙發上的自己在剛才過度集中精神，現時便持續精神疲勞狀態，稍有腦昏，意識模糊，但仍然，我知道接下來的發展
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對此，心跳開始不受控制，我的呼氣聲明顯大了
「剛剛在外面的是？」
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「⋯哥哥」
「不再是家人以外的嗎？」
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「⋯⋯嗯」403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXYGe0dDuSY
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男人緩緩地往自己校服裙領，衣領，膀子那邊伸手，溫柔，但快速地解開鈕扣，使頸前空間寛鬆些許
「哥哥⋯⋯會討厭哥哥嗎？平常」
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「很少⋯」
「真的？要説真話喔」
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「⋯⋯」403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPSPx9JxQi6
「真的」403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT6ernYfMej
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反手，迅速地拉下了背後的拉鍊
「這樣嗎？」
—— 『反正會變成怎樣，我也不在意了』 ——
托著肩，使自己稍為露出背給對方看
「⋯哎⋯不行喔⋯沒穿嗎？」
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「今天趕著出門口便⋯」
「不行呢⋯你可要注意一下自己的身份喔」
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「對不起——呀⋯」
「是我的手冷嗎？」
「還可以嘛？」
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「沒事⋯只是有點緊張⋯⋯」
「也不是第一次了呢，放鬆吧」
「我會盡快的」
除下上面的部份，完全露出後背來
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沒有直接看，觸感因而格外特出
「不看過來嗎？」
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「⋯⋯不用了⋯」
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世界內完全隔絕其中的空間，我的呼吸才叫無比格外突出的存在
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冰冷的手撫在這副體溫比常人高個1-2攝氏(C)度，對比之下任何東西才更為清晰，尤其一對一之下，我方才明白自己的真正
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從背縫伸入裙中，撫著背脊，繼續下去
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往那兒去
「啊，醫生⋯那、那個⋯」
突然地動了動，使男人的動作暫停了半頓403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP2zmZGK1EE
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「可以⋯不要嗎？」
「不行」
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「⋯我怕痛⋯」
「⋯⋯要先從前面來嗎？」
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「⋯⋯嗯，拜託⋯」
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抽手，繞過身，徬如要抱住自己
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見他的手遲遲不動，意識到什麼的自己方才示意
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拉起裙子，他的手伸至自己下腹
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如記憶一樣強烈的感覺，身體因那股不只為痛楚之上的刺激稍為扭計抽搐，更可能因感覺過為久違而特別地格外，淚水溢出，我知道不可以動，但下盤，比較近的那處，完全就不聽命
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「哈⋯醫生⋯呀⋯手⋯手⋯」403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpaYlxizaKg
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伸過來另一手，習慣性地抱住在臉前，口前，咬住403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWV0d9vEPMC
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「唔⋯唔⋯咿！」403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUSNpa6zCCh
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最後一記，最強烈
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「⋯哈啊⋯」
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鬆口，直至其手到胸口403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUzEBN5Gec2
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儘管此處沒有下面的刺激，但仍然⋯痛楚必居多，畢竟是心臓
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放在前方，我閉上眼睛，任由感覺告訴自己而不想目睹
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卻似乎⋯在自己預備好之前已經結束
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「⋯啊？」
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連咬也不用，只有半秒的電流感
「前面完成了」
男人如此說道403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiyx908irEH
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那麼接下來⋯
「那麼⋯」
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「⋯⋯來吧⋯快點完事吧」
「好的——」
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「等、等等」403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3swsWFlkUG
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在他的手移至自己背時，我叫止
「⋯⋯」
「怎麼了？」
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「我調轉身體，趴著，您從後面來⋯⋯比較容易對吧？」
「你喜歡吧」
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「⋯⋯嗯⋯」403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQvrn7s8P4u
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完全將裙子脫下，連最後一塊布料也脫下，掛在一旁，接著倒轉，趴在沙發上403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz5SDN5zSEV
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沒有什麼停頓的時間，在感覺到之際，我閉上眼睛
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好痛
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但會有人在意嗎？
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他會、她會，但我不想使任何人擔心
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始終倒頭來，人家我根本不會怎樣和人相處，完全不出奇，毫無意外，畢竟沒有人教導過我，也沒有這個機會，本來與人相處，我也沒有那個需要，但另一個需求，更不想去實踐
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無數次因能力不足的錯敗，完全是拖延別人進度的我在之前找不到自己的位置，現在也不能，即使以自己的能力而言，是會完全勝任
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單單經驗，和他一起高居其上，但致命的是臨場發揮，我不能403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyHeBvEpRrH
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長期的壓力與否認積累下來，成為了自己那無形的牆，困住自己，我⋯⋯403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbgsFNRNl4c
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永生而來也是所謂「理性」的囚奴
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名為「理性」的魔物是我腦內的聲音，也是各種困難的化身，我無從逃離，因為它無處不在403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGlxygSsCf8
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每日侵喰自己的精神，我口中的疲累，永遠會是先指精神疲累，做事，任何一件也是，它亦會阻止我，更不止一次而是無限多次
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控制我的動作，以自己的精神和動力為糧，在開始點絆倒自己，途中不斷勸退自己的努力，在受傷時再插自己一刀，在面對困難時成為負擔，以及那些不斷催促自己前進的壓力，成為自己真正到不了那去的最主要原因403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzY6YN2rSB5
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比較下，條件不由自己定
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我沒有選擇權403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKiyLdU3cNo
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就連思考時，亦會來作崇，煽動自己做出愚蠢之動，決定時一二不是，我失去了選擇，見步行步什麼的，對我而言只是屈服403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj00WA4vVh8
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明白嗎？403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6u8eJLH8o2
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我不是不想努力，而是我所有事的起跑線都比別人遠、艱苦，無法正常地思考的痛苦，總是被他人卑視又白眼，我在努力，他們看到嗎？可以讓我努力嗎？403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt7bbqZqT0l
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若世界更溫柔的話——
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不可能403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHgokPr1IRp
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故然，我的作用⋯也沒有所謂的意義403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQhT79ttyu5
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什麼也沒有403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHfVLerQNtx
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在邊緣望向彼方，死亡那，我想過去嗎？403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDcRtpbuYoX
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當然403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEMSoAPpsLx
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絕對
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不想403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZzD9xTPncJ
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但始終，真的太辛苦了403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYbbyWj7tnC
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⋯⋯403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi5aUnhUdwU
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思考真的太辛苦了403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfjIbbMW84B
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「好了，怎樣了？痛嗎？」
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「呀⋯⋯還可以⋯啊⋯」
「嘛，好像新的藥劑太強了」
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「不⋯不這樣⋯我真的會休克⋯」403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ57CAlm2JKO
「給人家條毛巾可以嗎？」403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG3cmWDTjGK
「⋯⋯還有⋯抱歉⋯⋯」
「沒關係，我待會清潔」
403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡONQTH3vsMz
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「⋯⋯對不起」403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhrSYZaFJZz
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「那麼⋯先來聽一下結果吧」
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「嗯⋯」403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWDlHSyyTva
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403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVhra01BQqs
「你已經有四成崎品變異融合了」
「骨髓、荷爾蒙、肌肉組織也完全適應了」
「看來，你的身體已經預備好了」
「嗯」
「在不久的將來」
「為新人類的未來祈福，紅雲感激你的犧牲」
曾經，我也有夢想
我希望使他人微笑、快樂
幸福
儘管我不曾能理解
但現實拒絕了我
正在自己徘徊崩潰之際，他們找到了我
說服我成為他們的工具
「忠誠致赤雨之日」
既然已是理性的囚犯，那麼就不自由下去吧，粉碎心靈也好
反正⋯⋯
人家我早已不在意
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最強大的力量，為信念
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403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTwn5VXPICw
403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡew6WtujWeu
403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2E5siobhw5
403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJRrSlD1eoC
「忠誠致赤雨之日」403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo7otJSX7K9
403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqcxv6Q5qhq
403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpbjwpTCcen
女孩說道
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旁周的範圍漸漸陰暗，連光源 —— 燈管，周圍也暗淡
403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxeHW9jVaTJ
403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8zxFSwR42h
但不是燈光的點滅，反倒是影子的逆襲
403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3gNyj8Yynx
403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0hlRizu7nx
是女孩的指示403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQQLlLeUgDe
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403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgv2GuSYDla
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403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBCWydN81tv
從其身體散出，影子隨之散至每一個角落，讓漆黑侵佔光明
403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2LkO1anObo
403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJFYwYj2si3
伸手不見五指，女孩逐漸消失在眼前
403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIH4KDPLjl1
403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmTVlYtFccc
直至最後能看見的——403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡizrOB50phH
403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUM5XG53v4E
也不存在
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唯好像隱弱聽到了什麼403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJEOgd5vXbj
403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYSE7QunS6y
403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNvQXL7vQ7O
但無法辨認403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsQVFf6e80I
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或是記住至可以重組一個句子
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黑暗將自己包圍403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVcOjkVyXuF
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不知多久了403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxXFAvHECBD
403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeEJ3ZFvcnf
在那時開始403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFUEQU75OTI
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那裏403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6WR21k1UV8
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但有些事情〇〇
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〇〇〇403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDxGHE9LfMd
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〇〇〇〇〇〇403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFVxDgtYoPl
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403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH0TknOUasC
403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiUHhq3atoh
現在不是你的回合403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqlcOM7NSss
403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2sp25wNgHN
403Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUp6ua5FGzz
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