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INT. TATE MODERN, ST IVES - AFTERNOON
Stable shopkeeper DR GREGORY BUTTERSCOTCH is arguing with sweet housekeeper MASTER HARRY CHAN. GREGORY tries to hug HARRY but he shakes him off.
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GREGORY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNicWgn2Xs0
Please Harry, don't leave me.
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HARRY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRaHdsl4ttk
I'm sorry Gregory, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.
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GREGORY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVS7bXxVLwr
I am such a person!
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HARRY frowns.
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HARRY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQELoBCqu0s
I'm sorry, Gregory. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
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HARRY leaves.
GREGORY sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, hopeful doctor MRS CHANTAL MALKOVICH barges in looking flustered.
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GREGORY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Dmy2TPWPg
Goodness, Chantal! Is everything okay?
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CHANTAL238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsMpK8ElpSD
I'm afraid not.
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GREGORY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZWrVntgxsI
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
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CHANTAL238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXM4kY8yNYg
It's ... an alien ... I saw an evil alien exterminate a bunch of swimmers!
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GREGORY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnCnCmLtmfW
Defenseless swimmers?
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CHANTAL238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEvYRLUoDIF
Yes, defenseless swimmers!
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GREGORY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb6ErD3T5GE
Bloomin' heck, Chantal! We've got to do something.
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CHANTAL238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBlaQOm3CZ6
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
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GREGORY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxHDRt0Lzmt
You can start by telling me where this happened.
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CHANTAL238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDfzwjlW3pq
I was...
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CHANTAL fans herself and begins to wheeze.
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GREGORY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfoR9qwhqAH
Focus Chantal, focus! Where did it happen?
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CHANTAL238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnSvMJAuesb
National History Museum, London! That's right - National History Museum, London!
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GREGORY springs up and begins to run.
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EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
GREGORY rushes along the street, followed by CHANTAL. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
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INT. NATIONAL HISTORY MUSEUM, LONDON - SHORTLY AFTER
SHARON PIGEON a spiteful alien terrorises two swimmers.
GREGORY, closely followed by CHANTAL, rushes towards SHARON, but suddenly stops in his tracks.
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CHANTAL238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2La2wc0w6N
What is is? What's the matter?
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GREGORY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2SHwlwr1T3
That's not just any old alien, that's Sharon Pigeon!
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CHANTAL238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvc2HaavFZV
Who's Sharon Pigeon?
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GREGORY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPmSBERtyw9
Who's Sharon Pigeon? Who's Sharon Pigeon? Only the most spiteful alien in the universe!
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CHANTAL238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyFtsIiS4LP
Blinkin' knickers, Gregory! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most spiteful alien in the universe!
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GREGORY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLbMHnQW2x6
You can say that again.
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CHANTAL238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrGZOndXrHw
Blinkin' knickers, Gregory! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most spiteful alien in the universe!
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GREGORY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTMo6QpCvug
I'm going to need ropes, lots of ropes.
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Sharon turns and sees Gregory and Chantal. She grins an evil grin.
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SHARON238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4sMFdwMC4Y
Gregory Butterscotch, we meet again.
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CHANTAL238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlhnHezSul6
You've met?
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GREGORY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqlC1YQfwzs
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
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EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young GREGORY is sitting in a park listening to some drum and bass music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.
He looks up and sees SHARON. He takes off his headphones.
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SHARON238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4JxHXZYdZL
Would you like some chocolate?
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GREGORY's eyes light up, but then he studies SHARON more closely, and looks uneasy.
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GREGORY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNX4LV8hqaF
I don't know, you look kind of spiteful.
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SHARON238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuKEYjG8ia0
Me? No. I'm not spiteful. I'm the least spiteful alien in the world.
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GREGORY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTWGqgrakM3
Wait, you're a alien?
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GREGORY runs away, screaming.
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INT. NATIONAL HISTORY MUSEUM, LONDON - PRESENT DAY
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SHARON238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQx4NdhOudH
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
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CHANTAL238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYHrSdlT93R
(To GREGORY) You ran away?
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GREGORY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEcL8S5rcS5
(To CHANTAL) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
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GREGORY turns to SHARON.
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GREGORY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡshlKuzt6WN
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
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GREGORY runs away.
He turns back and shouts.
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GREGORY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZaaJOP2RSB
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with ropes.
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SHARON238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZL5NnlIL9V
I'm not scared of you.
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GREGORY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhzNQY6Ifhu
You should be.
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EXT. A LIBRARY - LATER THAT DAY
GREGORY and CHANTAL walk around searching for something.
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GREGORY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS80NYZzlS3
I feel sure I left my ropes somewhere around here.
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CHANTAL238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTgbYZqajxb
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly ropes.
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GREGORY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvawDz5SGha
You know nothing Chantal Malkovich.
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CHANTAL238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCNJRlatNKf
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
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Suddenly, SHARON appears, holding a pair of ropes.
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SHARON238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM2CkoUQkll
Looking for something?
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CHANTAL238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHiDSu9GvTz
Crikey, Gregory, she's got your ropes.
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GREGORY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2RybIvl9Yz
Tell me something I don't already know!
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CHANTAL238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbpi0Yqi9ZP
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
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GREGORY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGIjkct3PMx
I know that already!
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CHANTAL238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA0pINp97IG
I pick my nose and eat it.
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SHARON238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKVAhJ7ONxT
(appalled) Dude!
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While SHARON is looking at CHANTAL with disgust, GREGORY lunges forward and grabs his deadly ropes. He wields them, triumphantly.
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GREGORY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1NGIexwDI2
Prepare to die, you spiteful cauliflower!
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SHARON238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0sxNgeCQw1
No please! All I did was exterminate a bunch of swimmers!
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HARRY enters, unseen by any of the others.
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GREGORY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjIZ2UBobVD
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those swimmers were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Gregory Butterscotch defender of innocent swimmers.
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SHARON238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgTVCjYYnrx
Don't hurt me! Please!
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GREGORY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOd5eXaG3Ne
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these ropes on you right away!
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SHARON238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEMkB0Xe0VO
Because Gregory, I am your mother.
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GREGORY looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.
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GREGORY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrln8XjwQx4
No you're not!
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SHARON238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9YAGeK4gBg
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
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SHARON tries to grab the ropes but GREGORY dodges out of the way.
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GREGORY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbz2ervERzv
Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?
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Unexpectedly, SHARON slumps to the ground.
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CHANTAL238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4q8tnnIMap
Did she just faint?
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GREGORY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBFm5OmESaX
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly ropes.
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GREGORY crouches over SHARON's body.
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CHANTAL238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLrlFBi2cLm
Be careful, Gregory. It could be a trick.
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GREGORY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoUEsG7nEJI
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Sharon Pigeon is dead!
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GREGORY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8kMCefFx2e
What?
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GREGORY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDlOMxwf4Pf
Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.
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CHANTAL claps her hands.
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CHANTAL238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz8Glw2DwVH
So your ropes did save the day, after all.
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HARRY steps forward.
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HARRY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9mecgYWLfr
Is it true? Did you kill the spiteful alien?
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GREGORY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡshEbfhRhNr
Harry how long have you been...?
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HARRY puts his arm around GREGORY.
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HARRY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuaiNcZFK94
Long enough.
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GREGORY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOTJLojorkV
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Sharon Pigeon.
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HARRY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGA3d0PEDof
Then the swimmers are safe?
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GREGORY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDzLcK8AfFg
It does seem that way!
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A crowd of vulnerable swimmers enter, looking relived.
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HARRY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIZeLtkEcYC
You are their hero.
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The swimmers bow to GREGORY.
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GREGORY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKJAQgmGC9H
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Sharon Pigeon will never exterminate swimmers ever again, is enough for me.
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HARRY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpP6Rt2oW6n
You are humble as well as brave!
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One of the swimmers passes GREGORY a magic ring
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HARRY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvKqm0hyqHM
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
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GREGORY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbTGkq6B8mc
I couldn't possibly.
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Pause.
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GREGORY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwOUJ1mfZL6
Well, if you insist.
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp2Ng6ZJkuN
GREGORY takes the ring.
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYarhRTJeDt
GREGORY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9tUycEkqA8
Thank you.
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGoqBLcXRc2
The swimmers bow their heads once more, and leave.
GREGORY turns to HARRY.
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ8Hgu76d15
GREGORY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkHNaoj41G0
Does this mean you want me back?
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCZrMYjXf2F
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDVQwxYVokr
HARRY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs7V6KSla3i
Oh, Gregory, of course I want you back!
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡymAJuf15VH
GREGORY smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWV3WINv9s7
GREGORY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0WJcip9g5i
Well you can't have me.
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl6BIafaI0U
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLEEeY500Vw
HARRY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxLkWluUd99
WHAT?
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbWJ22kwUXU
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkTtFXhanZW
GREGORY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6Toj9z29Lr
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a alien to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLfxVAsorUr
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYXfVzk2cv0
HARRY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTHiNktR69R
But...
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOSnIOmNHFU
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQs90IfhmMw
GREGORY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkoW6XVnezZ
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Chantal.
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8WyJuCB22k
CHANTAL grins.
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcc3pbIlphT
HARRY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDnLkXevqGZ
But...
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡixOXAOCE15
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR7CP6LhMT6
CHANTAL238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNx79qZ29CY
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbJkiF8yZKf
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkIzOWukiq2
HARRY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOoWi0s74fr
Gregory?
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFG5Yo3Iy4X
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbg27D8rZdZ
GREGORY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa54b1jLQsa
I'm sorry Harry, but I think you should skidaddle.
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ8moOggeOo
HARRY leaves.
CHANTAL turns to GREGORY.
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvibOAmF8Hl
CHANTAL238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvUZYp5ZxvK
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmhDL27BnOE
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL6LxqpE6HF
GREGORY238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUOYRYWPDuV
Of course you are!
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe3DnG61c7B
The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly CHANTAL stops.
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ22a1gN2Te4
CHANTAL238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO5rikEcWBY
When I said I pick my nose and eat it, you know I was just trying to distract the alien don't you?
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWvoYefgdzv
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2WaCMngCAl
THE END
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