我……想死。
喔等等等,不知道我用這麼一個……以正常社會眼光來說有點聳動的標題,是不是會讓你有著「這個人發生了什麼?」、「要不要關心他一下?」、「來看個熱鬧吧! 」等等的想法?429Please respect copyright.PENANASCtMh7kk8S
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為此我得解釋一下……嗯,我真的想死,死透的死。429Please respect copyright.PENANAV7HRHzrzTq
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等等等,放下你手邊任何,不管是電話還是什麼可以通知那些好比生命專線的東西,如果你真的做了我在想你可能做的那件事,也許我會真的去死。429Please respect copyright.PENANApJzsAzra4K
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這樣的話結果就不同……不,從最根本的本質來說就不再美好。會變成我不是自殺,是他殺,是做出這件事的某人,可能是你是他是她,這樣的話對任何人的心理都不好。429Please respect copyright.PENANAFAjhsfu0ng
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所以別做傻事,OK?429Please respect copyright.PENANAbcVzCG6Xup
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好,好,冷靜一點了吧,那現在開始我想問一些問題,希望你可以幫我想想。429Please respect copyright.PENANAjGT2aYOey6
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寶貝,為什麼"死亡"這麼另人感到恐懼呢?429Please respect copyright.PENANAEVzP8l1LfF
這樣問好了,對於死,你怕的是什麼?429Please respect copyright.PENANAxwS2WPY2D6
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是怕死的時候會痛?是害怕失去現在擁有的?還是怕……我想不到了,到底怕什麼?429Please respect copyright.PENANAkZTDfDNtIM
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我得說,我怕痛,而且是非常怕,不得不說這是我在我的自殺小計劃本本中最大的"不該死"理由。這也許是全世界唯一個可以讓怕痛成為優點、讓"該死"可以成為正面詞語的事情。429Please respect copyright.PENANATV2XRTsiMu
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好,這一點我同意了。429Please respect copyright.PENANAK6IZaPIMnx
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那失去呢?說實話我曾經拿起我的筆,在書桌前非常認真的在想我擁有什麼。那是在七歲的時候吧,剛被媽媽罵完很生氣的坐在那想。429Please respect copyright.PENANA39iNem1FIa
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最後我寫下了火焰獸,我最愛的玩具。429Please respect copyright.PENANAWfKOeZKFGu
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但現在想想,我如果不是坐在這兒想些五四三,我好像快十年沒把它拿起來玩了。就好像我在十八歲時為了和女友分手哭的死去活來,現在還不他媽活的好好的,只有偶爾會想起那段回憶揪心。429Please respect copyright.PENANAkdKRw5P1Wy
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所以人果然是……用我來概括全人類可能太自視甚高。所以我,我果然是善變的,對於人事物,那我死後就不善變嗎?429Please respect copyright.PENANArdDIYksW0X
不知道,畢竟我沒死過,但我覺得沒意外的話我死後個十來年,沒人會記得我,我也不會想任何人。429Please respect copyright.PENANAsytutYDwyK
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失去不成立。所以……好像我們只是在怕一個"未知"。429Please respect copyright.PENANA4tVnuno9nq
不知道我往這邊走會到哪邊、做這件事會怎麼樣,就好像突然叫我去日本,我會不知所措因為不會日文,但真的要我活下去好像又不是件難事。429Please respect copyright.PENANAaSFE0pVKqy
小時候也會對很多地方充滿恐懼,長大的現在只會覺得,小朋友真奇怪。429Please respect copyright.PENANABGzsJu4GlO
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或許死了就會想,人呀,真的很奇怪。429Please respect copyright.PENANABV08nEiCAd
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不過拿這例子來想就有點頭緒了,因為人的想像力實在強大,明明就不會怎麼樣,但就是覺得會怎麼樣,搞到最後都不知道是怎麼樣了……,事後覺得,嗯,真不怎樣。429Please respect copyright.PENANAkrV8HFpUvy
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所以講了這麼多,可不可以對我抱持"想死"這件事稍微覺得不是那麼怎樣了呢?429Please respect copyright.PENANANUyy9M1D9L
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如果是,我還有問題想問。429Please respect copyright.PENANANtm9mkjSXV
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什麼樣的人會想死呢?429Please respect copyright.PENANAEd9nWx64rM
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悲傷的時候?生氣的時候?還是絕望的時候?429Please respect copyright.PENANAeHCBqKz1ku
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都會吧我想,但我覺得嘛……應該是任何時候吧。429Please respect copyright.PENANAUrd2tfSRDQ
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就像我現在,我很開心,因為我參與了一場很棒的秀,那個感動,哇,難以用言語形容。429Please respect copyright.PENANAx0yDHkqXbw
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所以我想死呀,因為如果現在掛了,我就是為人生的最後,畫上了完美的句點。雖然過程可能不盡人意……?429Please respect copyright.PENANAkMtm8xtLnE
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「剛吃飽覺得滿足了,所以覺得就算現在來一顆隕石我把砸爆,食物還沒消化就從我受到擠壓的肚子中傾瀉而出,美呀!」的情景也是有過的。429Please respect copyright.PENANAA24zgEhVPI
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很多人會問,為什麼要去死?對此我想反過來問,為何不去死?429Please respect copyright.PENANAvcjMyZ2s8Z
有什麼理由讓人苟延殘喘下去呢?429Please respect copyright.PENANAY1TgHw24NC
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有,而且很重要,可能…很重要吧。429Please respect copyright.PENANAqAlrkcUxYe
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就是冰箱裡還有一塊小蛋糕,巧克力的,我明天還想把他吃完。429Please respect copyright.PENANAXexfh0daNa
昨天看了一部動畫,下星期結局,再活一個星期好了。429Please respect copyright.PENANAju7Y5JL2lV
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運氣不錯,每天都有想做的事,所以……明天還有事,後天再死好了?
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