Out of the mouths of babes comes truth. Or so they say. 96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVnpIUQ70l6
Thaddeus Gubbyns had always been painfully honest since he was a little shit. That kind of honesty that people want to smack him. Others simply called him an asshole and left it at that.96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLCY95vt9hN
He spent his days doing what he loved most: telling people the truth, and calling things what they were: 96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcjf6psRyNU
“Mother, you're already fat enough. You really don't need that second piece of mutton.”96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9REIRSvtpP
“Father's drinking again to drown his sorrows, because he can't handle his own emotions."
You see, Thaddeus wasn’t just into “telling it like it is.” He had this annoying habit (and I wanna admit, it was also a rare gift) of seeing through everyones bullshit and blurting it out loud. Mostly because no one else did or dared to. He always said "but I'm just being honest" and took it as a freepass to point out uncomfortable truths, lies and even questioning the status quo at times.96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhG2dLvKZj2
Even if it pissed people off.
One day, Thaddeus became utterly convinced he’d been personally chosen by the mighty gods of poetry. He shared this revelation generously with anyone who didn’t manage to avoid him in time.96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbTR3cVfBMp
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According to him, his vocation had come in a vision when he was a sixteen year old; a boy with long greasy hair, with the face of a youngling but covered in oil and acne:96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw0VqVzqAuR
while sitting on the shithouse during a thunderstorm, a lightning bolt nearly missed him and shattered the privy into splinters while he just sat there, pants down, just doing his business. He lost consciousness as the outhouse collapsed around him. Everything went black at first. But then he saw a light that became brighter and brighter and then like in a wild feverdream, he saw fast paced images of a flaming goat running through a lush green field, a glowing lute in the skies spinning violently accompanied by a choir of monks chanting incomprehensible latin verses but in that moment, Thaddeus just KNEW what they meant.96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIcDGcQUeqJ
An hour later he woke up, shocked and confused, he stumbled into the stable, dazed, barefoot and probably still steaming, where the goat Hildegard gave him a long, eerie stare while she leisurely chewed on some hay.96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡshRr1Ksv1Y
That, apparently, was the sign. At least, that’s how he chose to read it.96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDWtdey7wxP
To bring joy with the truth and a lyre to the people as a kind of angelic minstrel. 96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTOVF0w7v35
“Say no more,” he muttered to the confused goat, then passed out into the manure and bought a lyre the next day with zero musical skills.
Unfortunately, his songs closely resembled what most would call poetic diarrhea.96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEw2P2UCdO2
His rhymes stumbled like a drunk knight falling down a long spiral staircase, his un-melodies never fit the sound of his voice, and yet Thaddeus beamed with purpose; much to the suffering of those around him.96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG84DXqxnkm
For in his heart pulsed a divine mission: to speak the truth. Uninvited, unapologetically and loud. And always with the lyre.
His songs became infamous rather quickly, despite their dreadful quality.96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX7BvkWVSr0
All of Dullmere was soon whispering about the slanderous ballad of Myrtle the baker, whose already odd reputation was now officially sealed as that of a witch.96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQFUIAakLQg
Rumors said she danced naked on Broxenhill during full moons, whispered in tongues into her dough, and occasionally added "ingredients" to her bread that caused hallucinations. She sold them only to those who specifically asked for it if they were "in the know". And Thaddeus, eternal lover of truth that he was, decided to investigate by observing her through the bakery window at night.96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDH4jfSg7PF
The next day he rhymed: 96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡALy8Ka0hbv
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"Money I gave to thee96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcBEZgHNd6t
Bread you gave to me96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmbKA0fQ55r
Later I hugged a tree96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDT96PXpimk
And then I spoke to a bumblebee96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTPvzAg3C2Y
Visions flickered before my eyes96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVd7fgu6fee
The mayor turned into a chicken in disguise"
Myrtle was burned the next day.
He also rhymed about other things:96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOqcsDA66PL
About the mayor’s incestuous family line when he married his first cousin once removed, though that, of course, "was an official misunderstanding."96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXV8w5GvypJ
Or the bride who claimed to be a virgin, at a wedding Thaddeus invited himself to, where he declared:
“The veil upon your head, so pure and white96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSGzfxfAVNm
but under your gown, not quite so tight.”
The next day after that performance, Thaddeus was exiled from Dullmere.96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLvR5MGZIwf
They sat him backwards on a donkey and sent him away with a sign around his neck that read: “Banished from Dullmere".
Thaddeus took it as a badge of honor, if people got mad, he had done something right, right? 96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdAtdXzQ0aE
“Hear me, you dull-witted crowd,” he shouted to the angry villagers, “truth only stinks to those who never wash!”
Three rotten eggs, two moldy tomatoes, and a surprisingly heavy brick later thrown by the mayor himself, his wandering began. And with it: the mission to enlighten the world with truth and music; whether it liked it or not.
Over the following weeks, Thaddeus passed through five villages.96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡavbI1rX9kT
In every single one, he was once again chased out with rotten eggs and vegetables.96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRpgDjIs1WG
His songs bore titles such as:
- “Beth’s Cucumber Ritual”: was banned in three villages. No one ever ate cucumber salad again. Ever.
- “The Maid with the Fishy Scent”: she sold trout by day and claimed virtue by night. A few bachelors nodded knowingly, the maid fled the village in tears.
- “In Manure but Never Alone. Memoirs of a Stableboy”: a long instrumental ballad, featuring unsettling animal sounds imitated by Thaddeus himself. Every stableboy in the village was suddenly side-eyed.
Even in a particularly remote women’s convent, he was beaten out of the chapel after just two verses, with a crutch from the abbess. 96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHg2tdUPwcr
“The Nun and the Novice” was apparently not an appropriate opening number.
But Thaddeus didn’t give up. “The divine truth,” he said, while tending to his wounds, “demands sacrifices.”
One day, he arrived in the city of Muzzlehaven.96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk5Mp3VZVxe
The name said it all: speaking required a license, and singing was strictly forbidden.96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKKIp6rEMlN
The first offense meant a slap. Hard in the face.96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUP2CcXHoRG
The second: a stay in the silent dungeon for 2 weeks.96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUoyP4OyuT1
The third: death by hanging.
Thaddeus knew that. But either way, on that beautiful day he stepped confidently into the market square, tuned his lyre (or pretended to), and began:
“In Muzzlehaven no one speaks96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPbg9FD7tpN
for silence is what power seeks96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNZQqTugMff
Take heed for the day I sing96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN1N3e7YMWP
truth flies like an arrow’s sting!”
He didn’t get past the second verse. A militia of patrolling silence-guards dragged him away as he loudly protested.
The king of Muzzlehaven, a gaunt and serious man, hadn’t heard open defiance in years. Not surprising, considering everyone kept their mouths shut in fear.96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgI39abnUsE
Nonetheless, he was impressed by this small man with too much confidence.
When Thaddeus, from his cell, performed a mocking ballad about the royal bald spot, “Fields of Drought”, the king stopped and listened with furrowed brows. Then when the song ended he looked at Thaddeus with his piercing, way too serious stare. And then, suddenly, he laughed. Loudly. For quite some time.96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE59WxOPhkv
Then he shouted, “Bring me this lunatic!”
Just minutes later, Thaddeus stood before the throne. The king examined him like an exotic animal, one eyebrow slightly raised: 96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdBgP6ZIoJ8
“No one dares tell me the truth. Except you.", he started with a serious tone, almost accusatory, "and only because you can’t help yourself. But how do you always know what’s true?” He leaned forward, his eyes sharp like an eagle, judging, never smiling.
Thaddeus gave a small bow: “The truth is, my king, I don’t know. But I seem to notice what others ignore, simply because I never learned how to lie politely. I seem to notice the things people like to cover with parfume and manners. I'm not a cruel man but I'm also not a liar. I simply do not understand the concept of lying since I was born." 96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBvz41m2NWK
The king thought for a moment. Then raised his hand.96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQCDpq5CNGs
“Very well then. You alone may speak the truth. Therefore, from now on, I name you as my jester of the court.”
Thaddeus fell to his knees: “I thank you, noble king! I swear to never lie and to always rhyme!” Thaddeus remained kneeling, as if he had just been gloriously knighted rather than legally permitted to irritate everyone for a living.
As the official jester, Thaddeus was allowed to say anything, as long as it rhymed and reflected the truth. He finally got a look that fit him well: a colorful jester hat with bells, even on his shoes. And with him: always his trusted lyre.96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLzZualnr7a
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Within a few weeks, he had uncovered five court conspiracies, how the royal wizard has been selling illegal mushrooms on the side that made you see gods or talking to flaming goats, depending on the dosage, and he made the royal cook cry. Several times. 96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ55g35XiNXZ
(To be fair, the stew really was too salty, just nobody had the heart to tell her).
The people began to quietly celebrate him. Children repeated his obscene rhymes to the displease of their parents.96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh502gMGUgg
Now as his official status as the minstrel jester of the court, his songs became the conscience of the people; unasked for but utterly necessary. 96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRFfhqA82CQ
He wrote history as Thaddeus, Divine Fool with a lyre. And more than often, the wisest person in the room.
At the end, after a celebration, during a grand feast, he stood on the table, plunked his lyre and proclaimed:
"Simple jester that I am 96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3zQ6xkSs7w
my words powerful like a ram 96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl4ZCfGTMZS
If you fear the truth you're not bright96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwFREBDoutR
I bring your dark secrets into the light!"
The crowd cheered and raised their glasses. The king nodded quietly with satisfaction and raised his glass in the name of Thaddeus the Divine Fool. 96Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRwPSeGQTdI
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And somewhere, in a random stable of Muzzlehaven, a goat bleated peacefully.
