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封面:350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3e5K0w7XJ0
無題 | もちろん
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EP 21 還請你相信瘋狂的我350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ56NInC1frb
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「你為什麼不可以讓我去死？！我受不了這一切了！」
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「不行⋯不行⋯⋯因為⋯」
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疑問的句子在左耳進入，右耳出去，是經過了大腦，唯獨是沒辦法掌握住350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCbyVm4otjX
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始終這道問題，如果認真思考，是無解
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不是「無解」，是沒有我想要的答案350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXRUiFphnmP
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老實說，在經歷這一切之後，以及目睹她的作為後，甚至把我拉入仙境，要殺死我，至少，我猜她在變得如此感性前，我知道她掙扎過，在一些我不知道的事情、時候上350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsBS3Ck1ndg
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心理學上，有一個論說：人是不會改變的350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp6mAV9N6n9
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孩童時真性，三歲定八十，好歹我倆曾經是朋友、知己，我知道她和自己是同一種人
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對於其他人而言，我們很跳脫
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這只不過是因為我們總是想多一步在前
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因為有時，有些想法，不是這麼輕易就能以言語表達出來350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjYOXOKq8VI
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因為說話，是要有目的350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoVqWIJrTE2
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因為多餘的感情，不該以說話講出，畢竟帶刺的話誰也不想聽到，但這情況經常發生，最終更會化為最惡的下場
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因為維護關係，很困難350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfYPHlIXrst
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只是因為害怕350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbR5UipmjWi
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害怕失去
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害怕去認錯350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeQuPUKHDE3
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因為失去得太多的時候，不理性的「理性思考」得出的結果，往往是偏激的350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLkEr9tgRTE
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被理性束縛的我們，被世界不溫柔對待的我們，心靈被無情粉碎的我們350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIlwlg2Hiot
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很難不有「這是我的錯」的想法350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbKyyjUxU08
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卻，這也是真相
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我們總是犯錯
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我們原諒不了自己
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但這沒關係的
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那怕這代表⋯並不代表什麼
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這代表了所有
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我想得到的答案是什麼？我不知道
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那麼，來撞錯吧
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「不行⋯因為——」350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc5JOPe7nWA
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—— 才不會先讓你從這煉獄中輕易解脫啊！ ——350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsHaz8frGkW
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我第一次，不知道什麼從喉頂跑了出口350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡADeUbNVFLm
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第一次，我放棄了思考話語並對自己的感情屈服了
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「這是什麼意思？」350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6tiPPUpU8e
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「殺了這麼多人的你現在才說反悔？要死去？卻不把一直以來都掙扎著的我一同帶走？！這算是可憐我嗎？！」
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「我可不值得！我毀了一切！因為我害怕！我害怕若然你依賴於我的話⋯我會傷害你」
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「話是這樣⋯但 —— 」
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「我只是真的這麼自私」350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3t4kfZb7Pb
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「我只是不想負上責任！我只是覺得我沒用！我成為不了一個盡責保護後輩的兄長！我也成為不了你的朋友！你可靠的支柱！！」350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq6UoI3StUb
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd9zG8HavIo
「爱麗絲又好，鈴木 花子也好⋯也只是一個人⋯我不在乎⋯但是⋯你要死去的話⋯」
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血液，有點上不去頭殻的位置
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「⋯單單死去，這只是同樣身負重罪的我們，一個讓自己輕鬆的方法啊！」
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「後悔只是一個感覺⋯但即使如此⋯⋯誰真的會原諒自己呀？！你別自把自為，將想法加到別人身上才是啊！混帳！」
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「就是因為無法被原諒！才更加要受苦！」350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfubNFdHX25
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQOGmpaEPz4
「活在這個煉獄中」350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSm9D71DyIC
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHIYZxAGwoe
「我才不管你願不願意！」350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgqRgFmFF6l
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手在震
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「閉嘴！花子！我說！」350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA5F45wHGxY
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpsYbOD7wSd
「我說得矛盾又如何！幹他的！這個世界根本沒有邏輯可言！」
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「我們⋯要活下去⋯」
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「不要自作主張⋯對吧？！」
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「要活著⋯！」
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只見自己的手，抓住的，只有她的手，冰刺已經溶化
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回應，是嘲笑
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本身的用意是那樣
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然而少女的笑聲，越是持續，淚泣就越強
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「說什麼傻話⋯哈哈⋯」
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她放開了手，退後
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「⋯有夠⋯愚蠢⋯」
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雙手抱胸，是一個自我保護的肢體動作
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少女側身，迴避自己的視線，困惑的眼神
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「⋯那麼你要做什麼？先提提你，你不殺死我⋯是離開不了這裏的」
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「不，我知道方法」
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我說，回想著大和的話
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『克服創傷的力量』350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm90I0dF0bb
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「哈哈⋯方法？」
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「你不是大和，你在過去，並沒有克服到這創傷的力量，你要如何做到」
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「所謂的改變夢境的力量」
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「再者⋯我已經反省過了」
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「仙境已經重拾原有的力量」
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「如果大和或是任何人，包括你⋯進入了，仙境絕不輕易放手」
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「即使你變心了？」
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「這⋯⋯這是一時的⋯」
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「我⋯我⋯⋯我一點也不覺得你所說的話有道理」
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「毫無說服力，對，毫無說服力」
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「若說，為了讓你活下去，我克服這創傷呢？」
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「⋯⋯」
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「你已經忘記了說話的方法了嗎？哈哈⋯」
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「⋯⋯」
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片刻的沉默，我開始對自己的行為失去控制，或是說，我正跟隨當下的想法，行事
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少女注意到，覺得可笑，也露出悲哀
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眉間的額，不是開心的上揚，也不是傷心的下皺
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困惑，只是困惑
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「仙境要你死」
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「但是我做不到，對不起」
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「我已經受夠了⋯」
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低下頭，綠色的頭髮遮住了臉
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「⋯閉嘴⋯怪物⋯」350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeapRs9cFJo
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUDu2JxOX3M
「我知道自己在說在做什麼⋯我才是爱麗絲⋯」350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEb2SlO9rTm
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「⋯⋯」350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUQFHepkGLv
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「⋯抱歉⋯我只是和一個你看不到的存在說話⋯」350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBB1N6P3MwP
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對於自己眼中的自言自語，她解釋道
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看不到的存在⋯
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看不到⋯350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvSvV9btNOi
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破壞⋯⋯
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「如果，我破壞這份記憶呢？」350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡignOPbnra2
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拿起車內的破窗鎚，我走近人偶
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走到她的後面
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記憶中，車內只有一道沒有壞的窗口
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如果可以，我那時可以從該處逃出去
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不過，根本沒可能，在那時勢中
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但現在 ——
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「等等⋯你在 ——」
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「 —— 住手！」
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但我已經敲了下去，鎚尖的共振器將窗屏的透明度增加
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同時，振動感亦在該手傳來
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烈痛
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「一茂！」
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「⋯記憶是你自己的一部分⋯你這樣子，是在傷害自己呀⋯」
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「但是⋯這能不能讓我們離開仙境？」
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「摧毀仙境所寄生的記憶⋯可以⋯但是⋯」
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「可以了，我明白了」
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鎚尖的共振器，再次將窗屏的透明度增加，下次，應該便可以了
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痛覺，無法無視，但胸內的衝動將之壓了下來
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像骨折一樣的感覺
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「⋯對不起⋯」
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像斷開了一樣
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「明明我打算⋯一起凍死好了⋯這麼麻煩⋯⋯」
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下次，我的手也可能再也動不了
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「我很自私⋯⋯對不起⋯」
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「但對著這麼自私的我⋯你⋯」
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「你⋯⋯你這打算⋯有什麼意思？」
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呼吸，還是不穩定，但我拼命忍耐著窒息感，以最平穩而清晰的聲音，説
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「我們一起活下去吧」350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO40qTUCDia
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少女的眼窩流出一行又一行的痕跡
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「⋯我恨你⋯」350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTTdyHoWNyH
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最後一下
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窗屏上出現了裂痕，一下子，碎掉，打開了350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcdmEdXYo8h
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我的手，也好像舉不起了
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頓時，一道綠光，照了進來
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我知道，我認為，一切也要完了
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「花子，我們 ⋯」350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9KUD7sdXzt
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「一起離開吧」
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轉頭，我看向她
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「花子？」350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3YtqsLjNMZ
