青苹果 - 11-百香果

柔弱了半辈子的女人，在倾盆大雨降下的前一天，在那间困住她半辈子的房子服下农药终结了生命。

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谭昕薇亲自前往医院辦完手续，蹲在花坛边，蹲了很久，暴露在外的皮肤都被冻红了，浑身都在颤抖，她总会不自觉不要命地折磨自己，似乎是希望痛感能唤醒体内仅剩不多的感知。

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突然，她听见了一身很微弱的猫叫声，抬眼就见一只瘦小的小黑猫朝她走来，用瘦弱的四肢颤颤巍巍地站立着，又发出一声短促的叫声。

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“别来找我。” 她移开目光，随后又缓缓低头看向脚边虚弱的小生命，“你活不久了吧？”

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小黑猫知道自己这次的求救大概也会一如既往地沉入大海里，不会得到任何回应，便不再强撑了，一点点卸下力气，趴在她的脚边，紧贴着她，似乎想要索取一点温暖。

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但，这一点的温暖她也给不了。

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“你有没有想过，活着是为了什么？”

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“我啊，觉得很没意思，这样活着很没意思。”

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“我救不了你，也不想救。”

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她噗嗤一声笑了出来，“我是个烂人对吧？”

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“你不要过来，不要喜欢我了。”

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“你......你去找另一个有可能的人吧。” 少女低声自语，压下话语间零零碎碎的颤，仰起头让月光得以照亮眼里的水，让透明的泪水和苍白的月光融为一体。

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“好吗。”

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“陆辰，你说好吗。”

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星星，很多事我可能怎么想也想不通，就比如说：我千疮百孔的心该如何痊愈、爱情是否能让它痊愈、我们之间的关系是否还能被修复，又该被什么修复。

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不过，有件事我总算想明白了。

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我知道只有你离开我，你才能变得更好。

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我知道只有我离开你，我才能离开自己，直到到了无可挽回的地步，我才能好好地从头到尾重新拼凑好另一个自己。

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我总会去想，爱是什么？总是纠结于爱的定义。

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爱能概括的太多了，它可以是福，也可以是祸。同时，我也懂了，放手也是一种爱。

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当晚，她梦见了陈云昕。

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等待死亡的过程痛苦不堪，她却硬生生挤出微笑，让她不要担心自己，她会一路走好，下辈子不要生而为人了，希望她也是。

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她说，我不后悔。

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过后又改口说，我好后悔啊。

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谭昕薇静默了一会，说了句，你真傻。

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二十多岁就看明白的事情，为什么还要用多年的痛苦来证实？

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为什么要死了还不要放过自己，要死在这个痛苦之地。

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应该离开这里，离得越远越好，远到她再也看不见，再也找不到。

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然后，找个干净的地方，干干净净地结束，就当作在生前给自己的一份清白。

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“真傻啊，你真的很愚蠢。”

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“这次的勇气攒得太久，不易攒够的勇气还用错地方了。”

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“所以，我不认为你解脱了。”

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她说不下去了，眼泪争先恐后地涌出眼眶，她不再阻止它们的坠落。因为一切都已经无所谓了。

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七日过去了。

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这期间，陆辰醒醒睡睡，意识迷糊，就算有力气撑起眼皮，眼前也是一片模糊，他问替自己擦身的母亲，问她谭昕薇去哪里了，她有没有受伤，问了好多遍。

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“给她一些时间吧。”母亲温柔的声音里透着一股心有余而力不足的无奈。

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“可我等了她好久。” 大片大片的灰裹挟着他，将他囫囵裹住，再从高空中狠狠砸下，身心全都摔成了粉碎，他泪流满面哭着，断断续续地哭喊。

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不知过了多久，好像只有短短的一日吧，他就在一夜间榨干了泪腺，他已经不想再哭泣，消磨了流泪的精力，但悲伤的情绪已在心中的那块土地扎根生长，他仍在悲伤着。

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每天起床、洗漱、看看书、看看天，配合检查，在病房里平淡地度过一天。

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清醒着悲伤似乎更辛苦。

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此时，沉沦成了最好的放纵，也是唯一的选择。

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他第一次尝试放纵自己，允许自己睡到天昏地暗，放任思绪到处飘荡，任由影影绰绰的悲凉坠在心底，整日一言不发地呆坐在床上，对外界的打扰置若罔闻，平静地感受着悲痛。

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明明整日无所事事，却比平日更容易困倦。

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他无力振作起来，人一旦累了，情绪就淡了。他开始变得冷漠，对父母的关心不给予回应，顶着一张面无表情的面貌面对来人。

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他成了自己所讨厌的模样。

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无穷无尽的悲痛腐蚀了一条生命的鲜活，就那么轻而易举的。

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有那么一个瞬间，他懂谭昕薇了，哪怕只有一点，他也懂了。

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疼啊。真的很疼。

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冬天的白天总是很短暂，稍不留神天色就陡然暗淡，铺天盖地的黑暗笼罩下来，如同渔网般缠住人们各自的悲凉不放，加深了人间的孤独感。

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灯火通明，却照不亮一颗被深藏的人心。

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病房的门缓缓被推开，除了位于窗边的病床的少年，其余的病人都已陷入沉睡，呼吸声此起彼伏。

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也许是夜深了，没人会打扰，少年掀开了床位上边的窗帘，安安静静地坐在床沿边，偶尔晃动双腿，除此之外就没什么动作，单看背影也感受不到本该属于他的生机。

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她朝那个背影走去，心脏在阵阵刺痛，却意外地哭不出来，她抽出兜里的双手，轻声道：“星星。”

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陆辰的后背明显一僵，怔怔地转过身，不可置信地望着她。

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病房里光线昏暗，只能隐约辨认眼前人的面部轮廓，看不清她的神情，无法得知她是否又受到了伤害，他失了神，他想下床将人抱进怀里，好好地端详那张数日不见的脸庞。然而，他后知后觉发现谭昕薇身形纹丝不动，和自己的迫切形成了鲜明的对比。

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也许是身心还未完全痊愈，他觉得自己变得敏感多疑，甚至有些玻璃心，他觉得眼前人的态度有些唐突，就好像自己承担了本该是两人份的思念，而她却是一身轻松，丝毫不见一丁点略显沉重的情绪。

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“你怎么不过来？”他按压下内心的不满，哪怕是在责怪，也没加重语气，听起来只是在闹别扭，哄一哄就好了。

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他相信谭昕薇也明白这一点，她知道自己没真的生气，知道只需要简单的几句轻声细语就能哄好，但她没哄。

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微妙的气氛在寂静的空间里无形翻涌着，他受不了了，说话时声音都在颤抖，“昕薇，昕薇，你说说话好吗？”

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晶莹剔透的泪水在少年的眼眶里打转，如果是以前，她肯定会不知所措，慌慌的安慰他。

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然而，现在的她仍一动不动，没有表态。

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她在等，等陆辰流泪的那刻，等有个能让情绪有所波动的瞬间。

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“昕薇......”

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少年白皙的脸颊上很快有了两行泪水，无声地一路滚下，滚入床单里。

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她的魂魄也跟随着一同无声地滚动，滚入一片漆黑里。

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她不禁陷入一段漫长又无谓的自我对话。

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为什么还活着？

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又是为了什么？

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始终都拥有不了什么，也成就不了什么。

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好像生来就为了一场荒唐。

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就为了一场虚无的绚烂。

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就为了演完一场无疾而终的悲剧。

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天空次第降下一道道惊雷，乌云的乌黑，无疑是路上有归属的人的愁，有时也会转换成怨。

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还好她没家了。不用拼命赶回去，也不用担心那个家了。

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身上的某一处化开了，又有什么东西流失了，她隐隐约约感觉到是很重要的东西，但又好像不属于她的，所以她没有将它们守护到最后的能力。

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“我们散了吧，好不好。”

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“喜欢我太辛苦了。”

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她原以为自己能狠心一点，不在他面前流一滴眼泪，可泪水还是不如她愿的在打转，很滚烫的，就如曾经两颗疯狂跳动的心脏、那份炙热又纯粹的情意，又如一道无意中相撞的目光，而如今纷纷成了凉薄的一句话，以冰冷熄灭了这份感情的火苗。

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“谭昕薇，我爱你。” 陆辰惊慌地下床牵住她，一不小心起猛了，眼前一黑，跌坐在地。

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她连忙扶稳他的双肩，眼睛在流泪，嘴角在笑，用最温柔的语气说了近乎残忍的话，“星星，我们该散了，我不想......”

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他不想听，立即打断她，委曲求全地缩在她怀里，“你抱抱我。”

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“我真的很爱你。”

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“我爱你。”

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“我爱你。”

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“我爱你。”

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他反复说这三个字，一遍又一遍。

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在此时此刻，他愿意盲目相信爱情可以战胜一切。

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“我爱你、我爱你......”

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少年伏在地上，双手紧紧攥住少女的手，声量越来越弱，用力声张的爱意仿佛失去了言语的重量，无法打动任何人。

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“下雨了。”

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良久，少女说了三个字，但内容完全不是他想要听的。

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破旧的窗口被敲打得摇摇欲坠，雨滴很快就渗了进来，溅湿了一小块区域。

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她想，有时候自己的爱就像这场滂沱大雨汹涌澎湃。

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然而，对他而言，他虽不发一言，却把伞撑得很辛苦，默默承受一切。

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她爱人的方式是错的吗？

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还是说，她爱错人了？

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也许吧，她不该去爱。

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她做不到尽心尽力去爱好一个人。

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