Out of the mouths of babes comes truth. Or so they say. 84Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXGzH92p2tK
Thaddeus Gubbyns had always been painfully honest since he was a little shit. That kind of honesty that people want to smack him. Others simply called him an asshole and left it at that.84Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnjgx3uOCib
He spent his days doing what he loved most: telling people the truth, and calling things what they were: 84Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxHRJ0IqYCw
“Mother, you're already fat enough. You really don't need that second piece of mutton.”84Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfEsKUmrIUH
“Father's drinking again to drown his sorrows, because he can't handle his own emotions."
You see, Thaddeus wasn’t just into “telling it like it is.” He had this annoying habit (and I wanna admit, it was also a rare gift) of seeing through everyones bullshit and blurting it out loud. Mostly because no one else did or dared to. He always said "but I'm just being honest" and took it as a freepass to point out uncomfortable truths, lies and even questioning the status quo at times.84Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBfhLjHMsmH
Even if it pissed people off.
One day, Thaddeus became utterly convinced he’d been personally chosen by the mighty gods of poetry. He shared this revelation generously with anyone who didn’t manage to avoid him in time.84Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7Od1iOb5nW
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According to him, his vocation had come in a vision when he was a sixteen year old; a boy with long greasy hair, with the face of a youngling but covered in oil and acne:84Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7TEszj6oQl
while sitting on the shithouse during a thunderstorm, a lightning bolt nearly missed him and shattered the privy into splinters while he just sat there, pants down, just doing his business. He lost consciousness as the outhouse collapsed around him. Everything went black at first. But then he saw a light that became brighter and brighter and then like in a wild feverdream, he saw fast paced images of a flaming goat running through a lush green field, a glowing lute in the skies spinning violently accompanied by a choir of monks chanting incomprehensible latin verses but in that moment, Thaddeus just KNEW what they meant.84Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡop8yfi1Ovo
An hour later he woke up, shocked and confused, he stumbled into the stable, dazed, barefoot and probably still steaming, where the goat Hildegard gave him a long, eerie stare while she leisurely chewed on some hay.84Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIJGsvBtkwh
That, apparently, was the sign. At least, that’s how he chose to read it.84Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡymWx9kcadR
To bring joy with the truth and a lyre to the people as a kind of angelic minstrel. 84Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFhbK1zsjU7
“Say no more,” he muttered to the confused goat, then passed out into the manure and bought a lyre the next day with zero musical skills.
Unfortunately, his songs closely resembled what most would call poetic diarrhea.84Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNy7tG0Qrex
His rhymes stumbled like a drunk knight falling down a long spiral staircase, his un-melodies never fit the sound of his voice, and yet Thaddeus beamed with purpose; much to the suffering of those around him.84Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3j9kOSCmIu
For in his heart pulsed a divine mission: to speak the truth. Uninvited, unapologetically and loud. And always with the lyre.
His songs became infamous rather quickly, despite their dreadful quality.84Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVD5w4Xhu2O
All of Dullmere was soon whispering about the slanderous ballad of Myrtle the baker, whose already odd reputation was now officially sealed as that of a witch.84Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi1Bv9JxVwi
Rumors said she danced naked on Broxenhill during full moons, whispered in tongues into her dough, and occasionally added "ingredients" to her bread that caused hallucinations. She sold them only to those who specifically asked for it if they were "in the know". And Thaddeus, eternal lover of truth that he was, decided to investigate by observing her through the bakery window at night.84Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1HWNC4c3M4
The next day he rhymed: 84Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡei3DNY5d23
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"Money I gave to thee84Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWFYqnsoDUW
Bread you gave to me84Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz4xJ5MCDWb
Later I hugged a tree84Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtgfwLGKst3
And then I spoke to a bumblebee84Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrBItz0tyQZ
Visions flickered before my eyes84Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwjNjmxFQrC
The mayor turned into a chicken in disguise"
Myrtle was burned the next day.
He also rhymed about other things:84Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhdIxjoPK6H
About the mayor’s incestuous family line when he married his first cousin once removed, though that, of course, "was an official misunderstanding."84Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsnBGMchIia
Or the bride who claimed to be a virgin, at a wedding Thaddeus invited himself to, where he declared:
“The veil upon your head, so pure and white84Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdxOZiIkNtv
but under your gown, not quite so tight.”
The next day after that performance, Thaddeus was exiled from Dullmere.84Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡicamCDjEv4
They sat him backwards on a donkey and sent him away with a sign around his neck that read: “Banished from Dullmere".
Thaddeus took it as a badge of honor, if people got mad, he had done something right, right? 84Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBpPwlapEW3
“Hear me, you dull-witted crowd,” he shouted to the angry villagers, “truth only stinks to those who never wash!”
Three rotten eggs, two moldy tomatoes, and a surprisingly heavy brick later thrown by the mayor himself, his wandering began. And with it: the mission to enlighten the world with truth and music; whether it liked it or not.
Over the following weeks, Thaddeus passed through five villages.84Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWQ1MjGXfjw
In every single one, he was once again chased out with rotten eggs and vegetables.84Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtT1n9Xj0x2
His songs bore titles such as:
- “Beth’s Cucumber Ritual”: was banned in three villages. No one ever ate cucumber salad again. Ever.
- “The Maid with the Fishy Scent”: she sold trout by day and claimed virtue by night. A few bachelors nodded knowingly, the maid fled the village in tears.
- “In Manure but Never Alone. Memoirs of a Stableboy”: a long instrumental ballad, featuring unsettling animal sounds imitated by Thaddeus himself. Every stableboy in the village was suddenly side-eyed.
Even in a particularly remote women’s convent, he was beaten out of the chapel after just two verses, with a crutch from the abbess. 84Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUpmDe4sIK3
“The Nun and the Novice” was apparently not an appropriate opening number.
But Thaddeus didn’t give up. “The divine truth,” he said, while tending to his wounds, “demands sacrifices.”
One day, he arrived in the city of Muzzlehaven.84Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7RxRZALcjy
The name said it all: speaking required a license, and singing was strictly forbidden.84Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6aJ8vntjvF
The first offense meant a slap. Hard in the face.84Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGWg6lxK0lv
The second: a stay in the silent dungeon for 2 weeks.84Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvfiiX0KBaa
The third: death by hanging.
Thaddeus knew that. But either way, on that beautiful day he stepped confidently into the market square, tuned his lyre (or pretended to), and began:
“In Muzzlehaven no one speaks84Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2DmnBe8buU
for silence is what power seeks84Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfSK0XZC4q1
Take heed for the day I sing84Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuEV13xIpPa
truth flies like an arrow’s sting!”
He didn’t get past the second verse. A militia of patrolling silence-guards dragged him away as he loudly protested.
The king of Muzzlehaven, a gaunt and serious man, hadn’t heard open defiance in years. Not surprising, considering everyone kept their mouths shut in fear.84Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsFwIOj7pFd
Nonetheless, he was impressed by this small man with too much confidence.
When Thaddeus, from his cell, performed a mocking ballad about the royal bald spot, “Fields of Drought”, the king stopped and listened with furrowed brows. Then when the song ended he looked at Thaddeus with his piercing, way too serious stare. And then, suddenly, he laughed. Loudly. For quite some time.84Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQXgQ2hYnEW
Then he shouted, “Bring me this lunatic!”
Just minutes later, Thaddeus stood before the throne. The king examined him like an exotic animal, one eyebrow slightly raised: 84Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGktwVpG3fW
“No one dares tell me the truth. Except you.", he started with a serious tone, almost accusatory, "and only because you can’t help yourself. But how do you always know what’s true?” He leaned forward, his eyes sharp like an eagle, judging, never smiling.
Thaddeus gave a small bow: “The truth is, my king, I don’t know. But I seem to notice what others ignore, simply because I never learned how to lie politely. I seem to notice the things people like to cover with parfume and manners. I'm not a cruel man but I'm also not a liar. I simply do not understand the concept of lying since I was born." 84Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTEXc7pXrMA
The king thought for a moment. Then raised his hand.84Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzbqC6uI2Pe
“Very well then. You alone may speak the truth. Therefore, from now on, I name you as my jester of the court.”
Thaddeus fell to his knees: “I thank you, noble king! I swear to never lie and to always rhyme!” Thaddeus remained kneeling, as if he had just been gloriously knighted rather than legally permitted to irritate everyone for a living.
As the official jester, Thaddeus was allowed to say anything, as long as it rhymed and reflected the truth. He finally got a look that fit him well: a colorful jester hat with bells, even on his shoes. And with him: always his trusted lyre.84Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQsKR1dKYQE
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Within a few weeks, he had uncovered five court conspiracies, how the royal wizard has been selling illegal mushrooms on the side that made you see gods or talking to flaming goats, depending on the dosage, and he made the royal cook cry. Several times. 84Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyLwU0I4Lko
(To be fair, the stew really was too salty, just nobody had the heart to tell her).
The people began to quietly celebrate him. Children repeated his obscene rhymes to the displease of their parents.84Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQrd0U0k1Dz
Now as his official status as the minstrel jester of the court, his songs became the conscience of the people; unasked for but utterly necessary. 84Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡset5xAzYUk
He wrote history as Thaddeus, Divine Fool with a lyre. And more than often, the wisest person in the room.
At the end, after a celebration, during a grand feast, he stood on the table, plunked his lyre and proclaimed:
"Simple jester that I am 84Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3aCIjyiNVX
my words powerful like a ram 84Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAQza3LzDh2
If you fear the truth you're not bright84Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcFWQjr5fL6
I bring your dark secrets into the light!"
The crowd cheered and raised their glasses. The king nodded quietly with satisfaction and raised his glass in the name of Thaddeus the Divine Fool. 84Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbJefMobWom
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And somewhere, in a random stable of Muzzlehaven, a goat bleated peacefully.
