Us Millennials were conditioned from a young age to be on edge. We grew up on everyday items like exploding biscuit cans, Jack-in-the-Box toys, and games such as Perfection, Operation, and Jenga. Not to mention unregulated access to experiments like Shake the Pop Can then Open It in addition to Mentos in Cola were very popular in my growing up days. With everyday items, games, and experiments like that — who the hell needs an anxiety disorder?! It’s no wonder everything and its toy brother gives us panic attacks at a moment’s notice.
I say that in a funny, ironic kinda way.
I mean — we’ve still got the anxiety-riddled episodes. So, I suppose that doesn’t take away from the fact that we’re still mentally insane. You heard it here first, folks!
I don’t know about you, but it makes me at least feel a little better knowing that we’re not entirely to blame for being basket cases, that we had some help in that area growing up.
Obviously kidding. But, let’s get into the mental health part of my story.
My Nana was most definitely the one who understood me best in life. I mean, my dad understands, too, as he has the exact same diagnosis’ as me — we just obviously handled them very, very differently. But, my Nana and I were two birds of a feather, I got most of my, quirks, from her, for sure. I miss her so much, we lost her several years back, and we’ve lost even more since then, which you’ll hear about later on. I know that’s just life in its cruelest form — but, it sure doesn’t make it suck any less, ya know?
My Nana also struggled with mental health — namely depression. She said it best when she said that unless someone had actual depression, they have absolutely no idea what it’s like. To whoever needs to hear this — actual, legitimate depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain, an imbalance that needs to be treated properly to balance things out up there. Depression and feeling depressed… listen closely… are two, completely, separate things.
I guess something that has kept me going is the simple fact that things have always just seemed to work out. When I thought things would be worst-case scenario — which I won’t lie, sometimes it did happen… but for the most part, things always ended up working out for the better. But even with that being said, there were times when I thought it had ultimately ended up being worst-case scenario, it actually ended up working out better and being best-case scenario in the end. Maybe it’s just me always jumping to benefit of the doubt or just believing things happen for a reason.
For example, one time I was at the airport heading to my out-of-state cancer treatment facility when our flight got delayed for eight hours. Everyone on the tarmac was complaining, which don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t too thrilled, either.
But, consider this scenario for a moment: what if that plane took off when it was supposed to? What if eight hours prior, another plane was already mid-flight and in your same flight path, and they miscalculated or something? What if you’re alive right now because that plane was delayed and you didn’t even know it?
I don’t know.
But — I do think airports need to install some kind of lounge area available for no cost for passengers that have a layover or delay for over a certain amount of time or something along those lines. Maybe with a free coffee station to keep the passengers from falling asleep and missing their flight or something, I don’t know.
Who knows?!
I think weird shit all the time.
I feel like I’ve always had a less-than-average personality.
I’m well aware how that sounds.
But then again — why would you want to be average? Why would you want to be just like everyone else? I guess I can’t say anything. I’m guilty of trying to fit in — in several situations — also.
We’ll discuss that later. Let’s circle back to thinking bizarre things all the time.
I know I’m probably not the only one out there who thinks the same way I’m about to confess to feeling. So, if you do, please let me know so I know I’m not alone.
I often pass by beautiful, majestic, breathtaking scenery. Think heavily wooded forests, bright, bountiful foliage, abundant animal life, maybe a beautiful river, creek or body of water — some so vast there was no end in sight, you name it.
Okay, so as you can see, there is a vast variety of ways to view these marvelous, magnificent surroundings in nature, right?
Don’t ask me what my thoughts were. You’ll quickly regret it.
Alright, since you’re nagging — I’ll tell you.
My thoughts as I passed these stunning gifts of nature consist of questions along the lines of, “I wonder how many bodies are hidden in there?”
Yes. I’m sure you’re asking if I’m one of those true crime people… and the answer is yes.
I swear I’m not crazy.
If I am, I am ignorantly — albeit blissfully — unaware of it.
And before you go asking, “Ooh, did your momma have you tested?” I’m just gonna stop you right there.
Because, I’m not so sure.
Nah. I’m pretty sure she actually did — she worked closely with I.E.P.’s in her job, so, there’s that. That’s what I’ll tell myself.
In all seriousness — yes.
For the longest time, my momma has been a fixture in the special education department of the school system in our small hometown. She attempted retirement at one point, but it just wasn’t for her, and now she’s back in the school system. Which is honestly great, because my momma is an amazing and fantastic educator. She not only knows what she is doing, but she had a passion for that job since she was young. She is so incredibly amazing with the students, finding what unique way each child learns best and goes from there. She’s one of the go-to’s for questions from other teachers and so many of her past students seek her out years later to thank her for being that one teacher that always went above and beyond for them, significantly impacting their life in such a positive way. She’s just an incredible woman whose incredible at anything she sets her mind to — from singing, to teaching, to piano, to raising my brother, you name it.
Inserting another chuckle here.
But anyways, she noticed I was struggling in different areas, so you guessed it, she had me tested. I was nowhere near off the charts with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder as my big little brother was. My niece asked me just the other day why I called him that; I told her because despite being younger than me by five years, he towers over me… making him my big little brother. His height doesn’t help when it comes to casting a shadow, which would make me paler than I already am if the sun did anything at all to my skin tone. But as I’m sure you remember us having that very topic of conversation, is not the case for me.
My brother is six-foot-four-inches tall in height, and I believe wears a size eighteen in men’s shoes. I only know that because he complains about how difficult it is to find shoes his size all the time, and I’ve been shoe shopping with him on numerous occasions.
It’s a, it’s a fun time, for all parties involved.
*Audibly clears throat*
Yeah. Okay… let’s move along, shall we?
Nah, I’m just kidding. But, for serious, though… I’m five-foot-eight-inches tall in height, size eleven wide in women’s shoes and sometimes I have to resort to buying men’s size thirteen shoe. And, after all is said and done at the end of the day, he can still at least reach the cereal at the back of the top shelf at the grocery store… so I don’t get why he’s complaining.
Quick shoutout to my brother, by the way, you’re not special!
Yeah, he’s, he’s, he’s great, ya know?
I’m over here quietly chuckling because that’s just the kind of relationship we have with one another. If you knew the kind of relationship he and I have — you’d know we’re best friends and pick on each other all the time.
He dishes it out as much as he takes it — if not more so — believe me.
I love you more, Bubsy!
Anyways, where was I going with that? Oh, yeah! So, yes. My momma had me tested and I was, in fact, found to have ADD and ADHD, in addition to learning disabilities in math and science. I would alternate between the classes over the years, taking regular classes and just had a girl we went to Church with come over after school to tutor me. Other years, The remedial classes were just like normal classes, but lowkey better because you got a lot of one-on-one assistance by walking you through things, seldom having to take home homework. This worked out great for me considering I already juggling work, beauty school, an abusive father at home, Church functions I was forced to attend come rain or shine, household chores, relationships, practicing for boards, cheerleading games, practice and other events… you get the idea. And I know that’s nothing compared to some of my peers, I’m just saying it was overwhelming for me and I honestly think that was because I believe this is when the start of my health issues initially began, exacerbating the fatigue and exhaustion. I don’t know — just my personal opinion.
But going back to requiring assistance in math and science, it also works out wonderfully because even if you walk me through it like I’m four years old, I’ll still require assistance.
I’ll tell ya what, though — I’m always looking at that bright side!
Things could have been worse, ya know? Because my momma always told me that even though I was slow on the uptake… once I got it, I got it!
So, best-case scenario is I eventually catch on.
Worst case scenario is breaking it to my momma that I will never be a rocket surgeon.
I think I’m in the clear, though, she probably gave up hope of that a long time ago.
So, if you ever see me in public, do not ask me for directions, I’m not good at geology. Don’t talk too fast, it makes me nervous and may scare me away.
Don’t ask for mathematic help, I’m not good at physics. Ask a calculator instead.
Those were meant to be jokes. Sorry. I can be very tongue-in-cheek in addition to very random at times.
But once I got it, I got it… right, momma?
Thanks, mom, (giggle) you know I love ya!
Going back to the whole topic at hand, over the years that I’ve been treated for different things ranging from, of course, the aforementioned attention deficit disorder and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, to obsessive compulsive disorder tendencies ranging from mild to moderate, bipolar II, major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, seasonal affective disorder and insomnia. Over the years following the diagnosis’ and a one-night stay admission to a mental health facility following a major panic attack with coinciding hyperventilation, treatment then consisted of a mix of a health professional monitoring prescription medication to make sure it, dietary supplements, regular counseling sessions and self-care mindfulness.
As far as the obsessive compulsive disorder is concerned, I feel like I struggled with mine more than people may have even realized because I honestly think I internalized mine. Does that make sense? Basically, I was only driving myself crazy on the inside instead of doing things externally, therefore annoying those around me in addition to also driving myself crazy. But, I did notice there for a while, I struggled with structure and organization so much to the point that I was spending more time utilizing the structure aspect — than the actual organization aspect of the task.
Take with that what you will — I’m not even gonna try and explain it.
For years, I’ve relied on rain and ASMR videos on YouTube, in addition to a box fan as white noise to help me fall and stay asleep. I can’t think of a better way to fall asleep than Matt Walst singing me to sleep every night singing their songs lullaby style, just putting their studio session playlists on repeat and chill. I’m about to get served with a restraining order, I just know it. It’s only a matter of time.
Moving along.
Conveniently, let’s move along to the attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. Imagine you do put something in a storage box, fine. You go to put something else in a different box, well that’s confusing because now you have more than one box in the mix, now these boxes need to be labeled. I think I might have some pink duct tape, and I have Sharpies lying everywhere. But wait, what were you doing before you even started messing with the boxes in the first place? That’s right, you were just getting ready for a shower. Let’s go grab a hair towel and, oh, that’s where that thing went! I must finish that right this second. When you have ADHD, even the smallest things in the world create an endless buffet of self-amusement, there’s always something happening. Is it always as entertaining as I find it to be — no, probably not. But hey, that’s just me, I’ve always been the one to be easily amused — there’s always a party in my head, I’ve had to file a couple of noise complaints — but so far, nothing I can’t handle.
I’m lying. Tehe, that was a joke, if you’ve ever watched The Middle and could secretly resonate with the character, Brick. Yeah, I’ll stop there. (Chuckle.)
But yes, so, there’s all that.
I know it sounds like a lot, but once I finally found my “footing,” so-to-speak as far as a steady balance of what works for me, things started balancing out. I didn’t exactly grow up in normal circumstances, I grew up in circumstances that were what I thought were normal, but really weren’t. It took me a long while to come to terms with what I considered a normal relationship versus how I applied that in my marriage, versus how I should have handled certain situations versus how I ended up handling them, and so on. My husband honestly deserves an award, I tell you a lot of the things I did early on in the marriage, had we been abiding by the Golden Rule, I wouldn’t have been so forgiving had he done them toward me. Some of them petty and trivial, and I recognize that, I’ve done a lot of inner work on myself over the years and after years of working close with my regular doctors, found a regimen that works for me. And much like the medical aspect, I truly believe God won’t give us more than we can handle — but, jokingly, he needs to not push it.
I’m joking there, momma, okay? (Chuckle.)
